alinewaites

Robin loved daffodils. For his funeral I asked people to bring daffodils rather than expensive flowers. I had Stewart Permit taking them at the entrance to the chapel and return one to each person to put on the coffin. When the service was over. The audience left to the potato head blues and a carpet of daffodils spread all over the ground. The service was just a celebration of Robin a group of actors sang and danced “you gotta have heart” just like a show. Cryer and Johnny Dennis told comedy remembrances Kelly sang “forever young,” Barry Booth played the organ and we sang To Be A Pilgrim. Then we had a big party at the Haverstock Arms. Organised by the landlord of the pub.

BOOK TWO

NUMBER 13. 2. HE WHO DARES

Mrs Pat, coming home from her early morning constitutional bumped into Jake the “End is nigh” man. “Like my new notice? Mrs Pat?” he cried. Mrs Pat tapped him on the shoulder and whispered something in his ear. Jake looked down at his brand new notice and was ashamed. Mrs Pat told him not to worry and, taking a magic marker from her pocket, crossed the T from the message which had read The End is NIght. Jake thanks her with a nod and Mrs Pat turned the corner into Hymers Crescent.  

Only to find Mrs Prudhomme standing outside her gate.

“Hail to thee, brave guardian of the gate” announced Pat with a flourish.

Mrs Prudhomme who had been prepared to give one of her lectures was thrown a little by this greeting.

“I beg your pardon?” she said

Mrs Pat stopped flourishing

“I said Hail to thee, Guardian of the gAte, It seemed appropriate,” she said, ” However it is a beautiful day. I see your shoulder is not feeling too good this morning”

Mr Prudhomme ignored this and got back into her stride

“I see you still have that young man with you,” she said

“Oh Garth, Yes, the dear boy is staying with us for a while – temporarily you understand”

Mrs Prudhomme have a grunt

“I feel extremely uneasy,” she said, ” having a common criminal right here on my doorstep. However, I have taken steps to ensure that my property is secure”

Mrs Pat was nonplussed. “What steps”

“A method that has proved effective for generations”

“Oh, gracious me” replied Pat ” You mean… a moat?”

Puomme humphed and shook her head “Don’t be ridiculous”

“No, that would be ridiculous,” agreed Pat, “ It would involve far too much digging. A Portcullis?”

Mrs Prudhomme did not appreciate her levity. She informed her that Mr Prudhomme would be arriving shortly with the solution to the problem.

 “They don’t call us the bulldog breed for nothing. An Englishman’s home is his castle and we shall not be taking prisoners” she announced.

Mrs Pat was overwhelmed by this flow of borrowed rhetoric.

“Gung Ho, Mrs Prudhomme” she said and went in.

Mrs Prudhomme rubbed her shoulder.

When Pat arrived inside, she popped into the Waiting room to see what was happening there. There was only Drusilla cross legged on her mat in her chanting position. The Colonel was sitting at the table, doing his pools and also chanting… the names of the various football clubs

“Geelong Wonneroo.”

Drusilla took up the words in her chant.

 “Geelong Wonneroo, what beautiful words. Ancient, Mystical, They draw me” she said

The colonel heard her and picked up on her chant”Did you say it drew you? The name Geelong Wonneroo.”

“Oh yes, said Drusilla “They drew me into a sense of equal space”

“Well, that’s good enough for me. But how about Nunawading and Croyden?”

Drusilla shut her eyes and thought for a second.” Nothing,” she said. 

She came out of her trance, blinking. “What are you doing colonel?”

“Australian Pools. Not much form, Especially since Wonneroo sold their star forward to W.T.Birkella”.

Drusella resented the fact that the Colonel  had used her serious work to make a bet and she told him so.

“A grown-up, intelligent sophisticated man of the world. frittering is hours away on such rubbish”

Deeply flattered by her assessment of him and agreed. Frippery, he said all frippery”

And he tore up the coupon and flung the pieces into the air. It fell to his head like snow.

Drusilla was ecstatic and the result of her trickery.

“Oh Colonel, you’ve made me very happy.”

“Delighted to hear it.”

And he took out of his pocket a copy of the coupon and began to fill it in, as Pat entered.

“I have two questions for you my honoured companions.”

“What day is it? and wheres breakfast? Which one would you like first”

The Colonel and Drusilla looked at each other.

“Whose turn is it?” continued Mrs Pat.

The Colonel began

” I refuse to answer on the grounds that I should be in the kitchen cooking breakfast.”

The Colonel tucked his precious papers back into his pocket and took to his feet, preparing to go and do his duty.

He was on his way out when Garth appeared with a big tray which he placed on the table. saying “Breakfast is served”

The Colonel was delighted to see that Garth was still around. Drusilla asked him when he was likely to leave.

Garth replied that he would stay as long as Mr s Pat required him

He put down a bowl of Bran for Mrs Pat.

“Does you good” he said. 

Mrs Pat laughed  “Leave it all behind man. Better an empty house than a bad tenant”

“Fior the Princess,” he said, A bowl of processed wood chips and a grand old brew of rosehip tea. “

He made a face as he said that. Drusilla was n’t sure what to say. She liked being called Princess and the muesli he had created for her was ideal. So not knowing what to say. she said politely “Thank Garth”

He was delighted she had remembered his name.

“For the Colonel” he went on” my piece of resistance. Garth’s own special recipe Kedgeree loved by all, all the boys loved it..”

The Colonel was amazed. “That’s brilliant, how did you know what we would all have?”

“My special psychic powers Colonel. I stood in the kitchen, shut my eyes and made my mind a blank. When I opened my eyes, there it was shining in front of me”

Drusilla was becoming excited. Maybe Mrs Pat was correct about Garth.

“What exactly did you see?” she asked.

“List over the stove. Fridays breakfast. One more thing to bring”

“Mrs Pat’s toast, two pieces of lightly done granary. Honey on the side.”

“Well done Garth,” said Mrs P.

“I’m a real little treasure aren’t I?” said Garth.

The Colonel had started on his kedgeree and named it “Delicious”

Drusilla asked “Have you had a lot of catering experience, Garth?

He nodded.

“Interesting, and we are so lucky to have you. Why did you leave your previous engagement.” said the Colonel

Garth gave himself a second of thinking time

“The job sort of finished”he said.

  “How long did you stay there?”

“Garth smiled “Six months Colonel. I got three months off for ….”

Mrs Pat interrupted “Never burning the chips.”

“Correct,” cried Garth, “Mrs Pat you must be psychic.”

Any further conversation was interrupted ted by the front doorbell

Garth leapt to his feet and went to answer the door.

As he passed Mrs Pat he blew on his fingers. She had saved his bacon. However,

But when Garth opened the door, he saw a large Policeman standing on the step. He slammed the door in the man’s face and leaned against the door, white and shaking.

He staggered into the waiting room.

Mrs Pat got to her feet “Whatever is the matter?”

Garth gasped “The filth”

“What filth? I mean I don’t believe in being super clean but the filth”

“On the doorstep.”

There was the sound of a dog barking.

 “OH how sweet,” said Drusilla, “i do love dogs.”

“It’s the fuzz,” said Garth.

“A funny name for a dog” 

“Whatever’s the matter, Garth?” said Mrs Pat.

“Old Bill” shouted Garth.”I’m out of here”and as the doorbell rang again, he dashed up the stairs to get away..

Mrs Pat opened the door.

She shouted upstairs to Garth “it’s only that nice policeman”

Edwin was a little confused by his reception but Mrs Pat made him at home immediately

 “Come in Constable, Do wipe your feet. I believe there’s some filth on the doorstep”

Mrs Pat laughed at her own joke. Edwin smiled as if he understood.

“Did you hear a dog barking?” she asked him

“Hear it? Nearly took my bleedin’ hand off. It’s chained to the birdbath in the garden next door, It’s a long chain, getting in the way of me on your path”

“Really,” said Mrs Pat “I never knew Mrs Prudhomme was an animal lover..”

“People hater, more like,” said Edwin and laughed at his own joke.

Mrs Pat smiled but “Poor woman. Her shoulder gives her so much pain”

She escorted him into the waiting room and introduced him to Drusilla and the Colonel

“Hello everyone. This is Bill – so lovely to see him again so soon”

The colonel said “Edwin”

“Yes, of course, I’m so forgetful these days.” said Mrs Pat. “Don’t know why I called you Bill”.

Drusilla assured Mrs Pat that she would explain later. 

“Thought I’d just pop in,” said Edwin,’Sorry to interrupt your breakfast”

Mrs Pat assured him it was no worry at all and suggested he sit down, take the weight off his feet. 

“Oh! they are painful aren’t they? I’ll get some tea. The kettle will be boiling”

Edwin looked for a suitable chair to sit in. As he sat, there was a muffled scream and Mrs Grampion jumped up. When she witnessed the uniform she put up her hands

“I’ll go quietly,” she said “It’s a fair cop”

Edwin was distressed that he had caused any kind of fuss. 

He apologised to Mrs Grampion who was still a little wary but had decided to accept  him as a person. rather than as a copper to arrest her.

Edwin sat on the sofa, and accepted the cup of tea offered by Mrs Pat

“You for tea?” she asked Mrs Grampion. 

“Thanks I’m fine “ was the reply as Mrs G opened another can of Special Brew. Mrs Pat nodded and went back to the kitchen

Frederick arrived in a smart suit, with hat and umbrella. Bade everyone good morning. Edwin leapt to his feet at the sight of a posh man. Frederick waved at him to sit down again, took off his hat and hung it up along with his umbrella. He went into the corner of the room and squatted on the floor. Edwin looked startled but didn’t like to say anything. Mrs Grampion took a slurp from her tin of beer..

“Bastards” shouted Federick.

Edwin, now totally disorientated spilt his tea. Ms Pat came in with another cup and a milk bottle.

“Oh, what’s happened,” she said”You spilt your tea. How lucky I poured you another cup”

She gave him another cup of tea.

“There’s milk in it already” said Edwin

“It’s not for your tea, it’s for your feet” laughed Mrs Pat.”You’re a silly Billy. Aren’t you? Silly Billy” she repeated and the Colonel laughed, 

Edwin looked puzzled.

“You don’t mind my calling you Bill?” said Mrs Pat.

“Not in the least,” said Edwin adding “But my name is Edwin”

“Somebody called you Bill,” said Mrs Pat. “Off with those boots. Your poor feet are so painful”

She took the cup and the milk bottle away and watched him divest himself of his heavy boots.

As she did she exclaimed “I think our policemen are wonderful. Don’t you agree, Frederick?”

Frederick replied “Bastards”

“Yes, I thought you’d say that”

Mrs Pat put the milk bottle on the floor and instructed Edwin to roll it under his foot.

That’ll be better, soon. Now, what can we do you for?”

Edwin “I wonder if I could interest you in the Policeman’s Ball.

Mrs Pat laughed,”Why do Policemen have bigger balls than firemen?”

“Well, I suppose they sell more tickets,” said Edwin seriously. The others all laughed.

“Well, I’m sure Garth would love to come – and Drusilla.”

Drusilla gave  protest “Well I don’t think”

“You’ll love it dear” said Mrs P “ I’ll take two tickets”

She looked at Mrs Grampion as if about to invite her.

Edwin hurriedly said “I’ll put you down for two tickets”

“Keep rolling Bill. Now the other foot.”

She moved the milk bottle from one foot and put it under the other. She began to massage his feet as he wrote in his notebook.

Garth came in

He saw Mrs Grampion downing her Special Brew, Frederick muttering to himself in the corner, The Policeman sitting with one bar foot being massaged by Pat and the other one rolling a milk bottle.

“Crikey,” he said “Message for Mrs Pat. Mrs Monson upstairs with Drusilla. Can’t remember why she’s here. Can you remember and talk to her”

He dashed out into the Hall, Mrs Pat caught him and asked what the matter 

He explained that it was the geezer in the waiting room. Old Bill”

Mrs Pat explained that his name was Edwin.

“He’s only the geezer what was responsible for my first spot of catering, isn’t he?”

“How should I know?”

Gath continues “I was only doing my bit for the environment. You’ve heard of unleaded petrol?”

“Yes”

“We

“Well, I was doing the same for the church roof. Know what I mean?”

Garth went to escort Mrs Monson who had popped in before breakfast for a bit of aromatherapy. She was happy to see him and took his hand to say goodbye. They both heard the noise of a dog barking. Garth escorted Mrs Monson down to her car, greeting the dog on the way so that he didn’t interfere with Mrs M. She was grateful and kissed him on the cheek.

**

At last, Edwin had gone off to work and Charles arrived dressed for the country and bearing a shotgun.

Garth was highly impressed by Charles country gear, complimented “Tasty Whistle”and asked if he’d been riding shotgun for the milk float.

Charles replied “See the whining Charlie, with his shotgun, creeping like a snail unwillingly to Yorkshire.

Garth translated. ‘As you Like it ‘He said

“Not a lot,” said Charles and goes into the Waiting Room. 

Mrs Grampian and Frederick are in there.

Mrs Grampian is back there and #Frederick grumbling in his corner. Mrs G is surprised to see Charlie properly dressed and with a rifle.

She asked him “Doin’ a job, Charlie?. Abbey National or Tescos?”

Charles looked at her with a glint of surprise and even more as she continued

“Tell you what Charlie. Saw a foot or two off the barrel. You’ll never get that under your raincoat. What you think Taff? Bit unwieldy innit?”

Edwin who had stopped rolling his feet and was putting on his shoes., 

“Extremely unwieldy. Hardly the standard length for an armed assault – in my opinion”

Charles laughed at himself not getting the joke.

“No, the weapon is not intended for mayhem of that nature. The glorious Twelfth approaches. I must hie me to the windswept moors of my native Yorkshire!”

“MM,” said Mrs G “Peasant shooting?”

Edwin ut in his tuppence “You mean pheasant ” he said

“Not the way them silly buggers shoot. Right, Charlie?’

Charles carefully explained”The Glorious Grouse, but yes the odd flesh wound has been known amongst the beaters.”

“Walkin’ wounded by the end of the week. I shouldn’t wonder.”

Mrs Grampian was well in her stride and was delighted when Frederick gave one of his customary shouts of “Bastards”

Mrs G grabbed the gun saying she’d always wanted a go.

Edwin quietly asked Charles whether the gun was loaded.

Charles laughed as watched as Mrs Grampian went into her Annie Oakley mode. The whole company began to enjoy the scene.

“pshew pshew. Yippee! a brace your grace. Fetch ’em Rover, bring ’em over. Blappo blappo”

Frederick shouted, “kill the bastards”.

Mrs G points the gun at the door just as Drusilla and Mrs Pat entered. Drusilla screamed and fainted.

Mrs G yelled happily “I gotta big one”

Charles snatched the gun away from her and helped Mrs Pat lie Drussilla down on the table.

Mrs G helped “Loosen her stays and light brown paper up her nose”

Mrs Pat quieted Mrs G down “Shut up. You’ve done enough damage as it is. Edwin smelling salts on the chimney-piece.”

As Drusilla revived Mrs Pat and Edwin escorted her out of the waiting room. 

Edwin had put on his shoes and was ready to leave. He bid Mrs Pat Goodbye. Mrs Pat put Drusilla on the couch in her Den and tended her there for a while. 

Garth, having made sure the copper had left the area, came downstairs.

He was about to go into the waiting room when he noticed something shining on the floor. He picked a jewelled brooch. He looked a the door and at the brooch. Wass about to put it in his pocket when Mrs Pat appeared. 

“What have you go there?” she asked.

Garth turns with a start “Its something I found on the floor.”

Mrs Pat asked to see it. She didn’t recognise it from somebody she knew. Oh, the things we find on the well-known floor. People are so absent-minded. Never mind. Pop it into the psychometry bowl”

Garth was floored by this reference.

Mrs Pat explained “Oh didn’t I tell you. We are doing psychometry this evening. You must join in. Its such fun- very useful for developing the third eye.”

Gath was still befuddled…

Pat laughed. “Psychic vibrations. We’ ll show you. You just pop it into the bowl with all the other things. You’ll recognise this straight away. Chinese people dancing round it.”

“I’d better go and make the coffee,” he said.

Pat watched him go with a sly smile.

Garth went to put the brooch in the large Chiese bowl filled with miscellaneous objects. He picked out one or two and looked at them. They were just items of jewellery, but there was also a sealed envelope which he picked up. As he did so, he registered a twinge of pain in his left shoulder. He looked at the front of the envelope, there was no address on it. He put the envelope down and the pain subsided. He picked it up again and the pain returned. He puts it down and the pain went away. He shook his head and left to make coffee.

When he brought it in Drusilla was back in the Waiting Room and looking less pale. Charles was looking abashed as having been the cause of the problem. The gun is beside the fireplace. They all fell upon the coffee and biscuits that Garth provided. 

Drusilla was outraged and was berating Charles. How could you bring that vile instrument into the house? Have you a sheath for it?

Mrs Gambpian put in an oar. “Wouldnt it dear. Not unless you sawed a couple of feet off…”

\Mrs Pat interrupted telling Charles it had been thoughtless of him.

Charles explained that the locks didn’t work on his car and he was afraid someone might steal the gun. His car is an old one a Bugatti 1927. 

“What did you need that awful thing for in the first place?”

“Its was a snip, Collectors car you know. got it for a song.”

“The Gun”

Charles had got his stutter back. Mrs Pat looked anxious.

“I’ve got to have. Look a bit of a p p prat walking around on my own shoot without one.”

“But destroying Gods own precious creatures.

“I don’t; I load it with b.blanks. Mr P Gs b.bag a few, but not many I keep them well laced with f.fire water. By the end of the morning, they cant see the end of the g g gun let alone the g g grouse.”

“Who are the PGs?” asked Mrs Pat.”

“Rich people. Americans, Japanese”

“Capitalist bastards!”

“Quite, but the d dosh come in useful. f.finances the local ABA”

They were not sure what this was Charles explained

“The Anti Bloodspots Association. I provide them with the dosh . Strictly underground, of course, Wouldn’t want it to get out.

“Why Not?”

“I’m Master of the Hunt. Hereditary position you understand. Embarrassing.”

“Never mind,” said Mrs Pat. You are doing your best. And not until the rest of mankind learn to love and respect their fellow creatures that peace and harmony will reign on this planet”

Her little homily brought a smile to their faces.

Until there was an explosion of noise from outside.

Barking and snarling from the dog, screams from Mrs Prudhomme “Help me” and “Mad Dog”

The Colonel came rushing in.

“Bit of a crisis next door,” he said. “Prudhomme, trapped on the doorstep”

The sound became more and more intense. The dog and Mrs Prudhomme outdoing each other in noise.

The Colonel shouted above the din

“Locked herself in, Savage Dog won’t let her down the path”

Drusilla Colonel and Charles rush out. Charles picks up his gun

“Is that thing loaded?” asked Mrs Pat

Charles said “Good god no. Just thought it might frighten the bugger.”

Mrs Pat looked at him as if to say something, then she decided against it. 

They all rushed into the garden, so see Garth leaning on the gate, watching the scene with interest and enjoyment. The dog is a very small corgi attached to the birdbath by a very long rope. It is now sitting peacefully in between the birdbath and the front step. Mrs Prudhomme is on the step, frozen with terror.As soon as she makes a move, the dog leaps to its feet and barks loudly. 

Drusilla was charmed “What a darling little dog,” she said.

Garth laughed. “It not a real dog it’s a fur-bearing cockroach”

Drusilla was annoyed “You are insensitive. I love dogs and dogs love me”

“Woof” Garth barked, suggestively. 

Mr Pat yelled “Ahoy Mrs Prudhomme. What’s the problem?”

Mrs Prudhomme “Trapped. That vicious creature won’t let me out and the front door is locked”

Mrs Pat suggested that Prudhomme should keep calm and just walkpast it. Pretend it wasn’t there.

She turned to the others “Shes under great personal stress you know”

Drusilla shouted. “Think green Mrs Prudhomme.” 

“Come along Mrs Prudhomme, “said Pat ” A small step for you, a great step for mankind”

Mrs Prudhomme took two steps forward. The dog ran at her like a shot from a gun and snarled at her. She was forced up closer still to the front door, screaming.

Garth laughed “She can really shift, that little begger”

Colonel suggested Mrs Prudhomme should give it a swift kick.

Mrs Pat shouted “Give it a gentle prod with your toe”

She tried it and the dog grabbed her foot. She tried to shake it off, but the dog hung on and gave it a shake. Luckily her shoe came off in its mouth. The dog immediately dropped the shoe and retired to the birdbath, happy with its work.

Mrs Pat asked why she didn’t go inside. and was told the door was locked and the keys were inside.

“Garth” said Mrs P. Nip round the back door”

“No way” shouted Mrs Prudhomme. “I won’t have that little crook in my house”

Garth turned to Mrs Pat and shrugged.

Drusilla came to the rescue “Let me speak to the dog. I have a way with animals. What’s the dog’s name Mrs Prudhomme?”

“How should I know?” shouted Prudhomme.

“Fang” suggested Garth.

“Don’t be silly,” said Drusilla.

Drusilla went into the garden, got herself into a supplicant position and approached the dog slowly,smiling.

Drusilla in a baby voice “Whos a sweet little doggie then. Come on, come to Dru. Nice little doggie”#

The dog rushed at her and snapped at her ankles. Drusilla screamed and rushed back. The Dog returned to the birdbath and awaited further developments.

“Horrible little thing,” said Drusilla.

“You’d not be much good at Buckingham Palace,” said the Colonel.

Mrs pat had another idea. quoting “Music hath charms to soothe the savage beast” 

“Breast,” said Charles, “Congreve”

“I was adapting,” said Mrs Pat. “I’m sure Congreve wouldn’t mind.”

Mrs Pat approached the dog bravely. The dog looked at her with its head on one side. She got about halfway down the garden and started to sing. This drove the dog wild, barking and snarling. Mrs Pat beat a hasty retreat back to safety.

“Not a music lover,” said Charles.

Mrs Pat had another idea. She took Garth aside and whispered to him. He went back to Mrs Pat’s garden and disappeared from sight.

The Colonel decided to take control

“What we need here are diversionary tactics. Charles, you take the left flank. Attract its atttention. Don’t let it see you are afraid. That’s the trick”‘

“Ho do you suggest I do that?” said Charles.

“Mind over matter. ” said Colonel “Ill take the right flank and rescue Mrs Prudhomme.”

Charles crept down the left side making silly noises and waving his gun.

The Dog regarded him with interest. Charles pointed his gun at the animal.

He goes “Bang”

 The dog looked at Charles with some interest. Colonel tiptoed down the other side Dog still regarding Charles. The Colonel gets halfway down the path when the dog turns suddenly and charges at him. The Colonel flees down the path back to safety. The dog returned to Mrs Prudhomme at the steps. looking really pleased with itself.

“Seems like we have a stalemate,” said the Colonel mopping his brow.

Mrs Prudhomme’s front door opened suddenly and revealing Garth.

All except Mrs Prudhomme applauded.

Mrs Prudhomme was furious “How did you get in, young man. The doors and windows are all bolted”

Garth grinned “Where there’s a will there’s a way Mrs Prudhomme”.

“How dare you break into my house”

“It’s the pain in her shoulder, ” said Mrs Pat nervously

“You know what they say,” said Garth “He who dares – wins. Your keys”

He throws the keys at Mrs Prudhomme.

Garth went over to the birdbath and removes the rope. The dog immediately came over to him wagging its tail and licked his hand. Garth picked up the dog and cuddled it as they all watch in astonishment. 

“What’s your name?” said Garth and put his ear to the dog.

“Let’s call you Rosie,” he said, “You are a good dog Rosie. He turns to the others.”

“Panic over. ladies and gents. ” He hands the dog to Mrs Prudhomme who backs away.

“Get that thing away from me. I got it to defend my property from villains like you.”

So saying, she turned on her heel and went into the house, slamming the door.

“Talk about gratitude,” said Garth

“Glad we didn’t have to use my back-up scheme,” said the Colonel

Mrs Pat was excited to know what 

“Thought of inserting a lead weight in its left ear. Make it lie down”

“How would you do that?” she asked

The Colonel gave a rin

“MY od service revolver” he said”

That remark brouight Drusilla into one of her rages.

They all looked at her for a minute

Then “What shall we do about Rose? said, Garth.

Mrs Pat declared it would lovely to adopt her.

Drusilla was even more distressed.

“She could terrify the patients,” she said

“What about you, your graceships?”

“Would worry the hounds?” said Charles

They were all surprised to see Edwin coming through the gate.

He went straight up to Garth and shook his hand.

“I saw everything. you did it right” he said.

Edwin turned to Pat “It’ll certainly put the fear of hell into the foxes around here. Good little watchdog. Give her to me. Mrs Pat. We law enforcers should stick together”

Garth handed her over, she immediately licked Edwin’s hand.

“Come along lovely. You can stick with me and the boys at the station.” 

They all went inside except Mrs Pat and Garth.

She hugged him “Very impressive. YOu certainly have a way with animals. The magic touch”

Garth looked at her, then at his hands, smells them

“Don’t half pong that tuff. Lucky old Prudie had it in her garden”. said, Garth.

Mrs Pat who had imagined some kind of psychic miracle.was disappointed.

Garth “Plus a touch of the language. We travelling folk remember the old ways. Cross my palm with silver, lady?”

Pat hugged him again,

Edwin complete with helmet came out of the house with Rosie in his arms

“What should I feed her on?”

Garth laughed “Mrs Prudhomme would be favourite. Failing that Ring Buck Palace”

Edwin tapped Garthon the shoulder. “Don’t know what wed have done without you.2

 He held his hand out to Garth who shook it vigorously with both of his.

“First time for me. Shakin hands with the longish arm of the law. Usually, it’s the other way round”

“Ever thought of joining the force boyo? We need blokes like you. Cheerio Mrs Pat

“Pop around any time. I’ll; have a go at your feet” she said.

Mrs Pat was about to go into the house when Garth stopped heer

“What is this psychometry lark?” he said.

Mrs P was glad that he was showing an interest. She explained that it was part of a diagnosis practice. The patient gives a piece of jewellery, or silver, all kinds of thing.

Garth gave a whistle “Sounds like a good racket” he said.

Mrs pat shook her head

“We can define the stresses and strains that people are not able to explain verbally. “

Garth gave up listening to Pat at this point. He wasn’t all THAT interested.

In the Waiting room, there was a gathering. Mrs G, Frederick and Charles. Charles was searching for something in the bookcase. Mrs Grampian was doing the Times Crossword.

She moans”Rotten day for me this morning. Went out to commit suicide and there was a train strike. Bloody London Transport”

“Bastards,” said Frederick

“My sentiments exactly”

Charles inquired why she should want to do a thing like that

“Well, I thought it might liven things up a bit. Wasn’t doing it in the Rush hour you understand.”

“Very considerate of you.”

“Yes, know what Pat says, kindness is all”

Mrs Pat and Garth came in

Pat looked around for the Colonel. He wasn’t there.

“Where was the Colonel going today, did you know”

Charles was the first to reply “He said he was going to see a man about a dog”

2Really?”

“Three horses”

Frederick spoke up “A Cricket match”

Mrs G finished off the list “A boxing tournament in Las Vegas”

Mrs Pat sighed “Oh the dear man, has such an active mind. Charles, what are you doing here? I thought you were going to Yorkshire”

Charles explained that the book she had lent him had disappeared.

She asked which book

“The one on how to improve your memory. I thought I left it in here.”

Wish I could find it, might jog my memory.

Mrs Pat declared that this was a waste of energy when he should be heading North.”

Mrs Gasked where he was heading. For.

“Thorngumbald Turn left at Pocklington and carryon till morning”

“Anywhere near Staples Corner?” asked Mrs G

Charles thought a while, then declared he might be able to make a detour.

Mrs G leapt to her feet, dropping the newspaper.

“Staples corner, here I come”

“What happens at Staples corner, Mrs G”

Mrs G “What doesn’t happen at Staples corner. Come on Charle. I’ll take care of the weapon.”

Mrs g left singing “When the summer comes again”

Pat joins in.

Charles says “Adieu till we meet again” and goes.

Frederick stands “Got to go. Tempus fugit”

“Going back to the House?”

No said Fred “Local picture house. Double Bill, Nightmare on Elm Street and Bambi”

He stuck twenty quid in the bowl. Looked hard at Garth. Garth gave him a radiant smile Fredrick chuckled put on his Freddie Kruger voice.

“You thought you’ escaped me, didn’t you Thumper?” and left.

“Wat a strange geezer, Is it possible to cure Turetts syndrome?”

Mrs Pat replied

“Erm it’s not that really, He gets fed up with his job. Its mostly shouting ou know. he’s got into the habit. 

“What is his job?”

“He’s a backbencher. He has to get angry and shout. He comes here to practise.”

Mrs Pat sat down.

o have some time to herself.

“Why don’t you have a little snooze, Garth? Prepare your mind for the psychometry tonight”

“I’ll try and make it a complete blank.”

he sat on the sofa and shut his eyes.

Pat went into the den. PUt the bowl in the centre of the table. She sat in her comfy chair, humming to herself.

“Think beautiful thoughts” she murmured to herself.

She smiled until suddenly she had a bad thought Something bad was happening..

Outside The Prudhomme’s house, Mrs Prudhomme came out with an overnight bag. Locked the door, putting the keys into her handbag. She looked up at her brand new burglar alarm which is high up on the wall away from the windows.

She walks down the path, reached the birdbath when she smiled and there was a twitch in her shoulder. She limped on to the gate. There was a car waiting for her. she got into the passenger seat. Before shutting the door, she looks again at her burglar alarm and gives a gleeful smile.

Mrs t, the Colonel, Garth and Drusilla were in a circle round the table. The Colonel had a pad in front of him and was wielding a pencil.

Drusilla stood and shut her eyes. She held out her left hand and Mrs Pat placed an object into it. Drusilla put her right hand over the object and the Colonel licked his pencil, prepared tow write down whatever she said.

“It’s very strong,” said Drusilla

She feels the object all over and continues

“headache, nausea, flashing colours, flashing red. anger, suppressed anger, somebody close, husband, wife, can’t communicate. Must be…

2″There was a long pause. The Colonel waited with pencil poised as Drusilla concentrated.

Garth in a loud whisper said, “Has she gone to sleep?”

Drusilla opened her eyes and snapped at Garth.”How could you GArth, you’ve ruined my concentration”

She threw the object down on the table.

“I can’t do any more” and she sat down

Mrs Pat was angry with Garth “That was very naughty. Drusilla dear, can you give any advice to the subject?”

Drusilla said s ulkikly “Think Green”

Garth could not resist 

“I knew a doctor once. Whatever was wrong with you, he gave you foot pow

Mrs Pat tried to keep the peace”Yes, she said, Some people say that if you treat the feet, you can cure the whole body”

Drusilla was tight-lipped “Why did you say that Garth?”

“Whatever’s wrong you say Think Green”

Drusilla snapped back “You are just a peasant”

“Sorry, Princess. NO offence meant”

Drusilla sneered,”That’s all right Gaeth. Plenty of offence taken”

Mrs Pat tried to calm down the atmosphere by changing the subject. She gave the Colonel an object.

“Ah, he said ” Beauty Sensitivity, race. it can only be Drusilla.”

Drujsillgave Garth a triumphant look. He cast his eyes to heaven.

Mrs Pat handed Drusilla a coat button

Drusilla stood and shut her eyes as before. She laughs.

“Red Hot. A man shouting in the corner.

All said, Frederick.

Garth “YOU can get all that from a coat button?

Mrs Pat handed the brooch to Gath

He copied that action of the others.

He giggled “I feel a right tit,” he said

“See what I mean,” said Drusilla “Hopeless”

“All right Princess, he said, 

Colonel says Think of the colour

Garth “Blue

Mrs Pat “Blue for hope” 

Drusilla “Some hopes”

Gath says. “Yes, hope and smiling, always smiling. I got it… Mrs M..what’s it.”

Drusilla looked surprised

Mrs Pa said “well done”

the Colonel joins in “That is staggering. IKt usually kes years of practice!”

Drusilla said, still suspicious. “How did you do it”

Mrs Pat pursed her lips and shook her head at Garth. He took the message and changed the subject

“Mrs Pat. Something is missing from the bowl”

“Rea.ly, what is it?

“The letrer. from Mrs :Prudhomme”

“Are you sure it was from her?”

Yes, of course, I saw it didn’t I? In the bowl”

Mrs Pat took the letter from her pocket

This one?

“Yeah,” said Garth.” that’s the one.”

Mrs Pat put the letter back in her p; ocket., and announced ti would now be her turn

Drusilla handed Mrs Pat the final object from the bowl.

“Ah now, she said, This is difficult. I must concentrate. Very quiet everyone. Not a word”

As she spoke there was an ear-shattering sound of the Burglar Alarm next door.

“Certainly rang a bell Mrs P” shouted Garth

“Gracious sakes, what is it?” she replied

“It’ll be Prodnoses new burglar alarm. I saw the bokes fitting it this afternoon”

Drusilla asked, “What does it mean?”

Garth suggested it might mean there was a burglar next door.

“Unless of course some swallow or some other creature; has bumped into it”

Drusilla was almost in tears at the thought.

“Or it could mean it’s just gone off at its own accord. Cos its nothing better to do. than interrupt our fun”

Mrs Pt shouted “Well if that’s the case it must be stopped. Garth would you go and case the drum or spin the joint ore whatever tit is you say on these occasions.2

Garth” No sooner said than done Ms P

Drusillas “Oh what does it sound like”

Mrs P “I believe its A flat. aha”

Pained expressions all round.

The Burglar alarm went on ringing for hour after hour.

Everybody was in an agony of blasted sound. Garth went along to Prudnose house, 

“Clean as a whistely2 he said. House is empty no burglars, Noo Mrs Prodnose, take my word for it.”

Drusilla said, “Shouldn’t we call the police?”

All right,” said Mrs P.” Garth, call in the cops, would you?

“It’s against my religion, Mrs Pat. Can’t bring myself to dial those three digits”

The Colonel suggested Garth should ring the fire brigade instead.

Mrs Pat volunteered in the end.

She dialled the number, retailing the information to the others as she did so.

“They’re putting me through,” she told them

Then into the phone “There’s a burglar alarm ringing in the house next door. 13 The Hymers Crescent. What is one supposed to do? (Ring the police). This is what I am doing”

She looked a the others with eyes raised to heaven. 

“Ring the keyholder? – oh, you’ve already rung her ( (next door complained as well) what happened? She’s out. 

Can you come and – Oh (not without permission of the keyholder). Did she leave a number (She didn’t) What about the installers? it was only installed today. (Not in their contract) Tell me, in your experience, what happens? (it just goes on ringing) Well, thank you for your help.

She hung up.”let us all join hands and try to contact. ..

.”Alexander Graham Bell.” said Garth

Another hour later. Mr Colonel was sitting reading, with enormous strings on cotton wool in his ears. Drusilla was listening to her walkman with earphone on and doing some strange eastern dancing. Mrs Pat was sitting, fuming and frustrated.

She yelled at the Colonel who can’t hear her. She pulled some of the cotton wool from one ear.”Where is Garth?” she cried.

“Gone out,” said the Colonel

“Local watering hole” and he took the cotton wool from Mrs pat and replaced it in his ear. He suggested Mrs Pat should follow his example.

“I do’;t see why I should stuff my ears in my own sitting room”

The Colonel smiled and said “What a good idea” having had no inkling of what she had just said.

She started to continue her useless conversation when the bell stopped.Mrs Pat went on shouting until she realised.

“Drusilla – its stopped ringing”

Drusilla carries on dancing.

“Drusilla”

Mr Pat removes her earphones

“The Burglar alarm has stopped”

Drusilla “Does that mean the Burglars have left?”

Mrs Pa “There never were any burglars. NOw we can open the window.

She went to the window and opened it wide.

Garden came diving through the window with a dramatic forward roll. SAS style. He is dressed in black with a balaclava helmet. He is carry a climbing rope.

“The Eagle has landed” he declaimed

“Well done Garth. I hope you didn’t do any damage”

“Don’t worry Mrs P. I just gave it a bit of a talking to. When Prudie gets back she won’t know the difference.”

“That’s good. Now I think we all deserve a cup of tea The kettle will be boiling.

The kettle whistled even before she had finished talking.

Mrs pat goes into the kitchen followed by Garth

“OH Phew, Garth I don’t know what we would have done without you.

Garth is somewhat shamefaced

“I wanted to confess, Mrs Pat. I cheated in the psychometry,

Mrs Pat shook her head.

Garth insisted “Yes I did. I don’t have psychic powers. I knew the brooch belonged to Mrs Manson. I saw her drop it.”

“Oh that,” said Mrs P at” Yes I know

“Garth was amazed. “You knew then what did you mean?”

“The envelope. How could you possibly have known that it was from Mrs Prudhomme? The seal is n’t even broken”

Mrs Pat took the letter out of her pocket and waved it at Garth. He took it from her and looked at the seal. As he does so, he got a twinge of pain in his shoulder.

He looked at Pat in horror.

“He wins who dares Garth. Know what I mean?

NIGHTMARE

Aline Waites

Sarah woke with a start, fighting for breath, heart thumping. She was over heated, the bed clothes felt damp and heavy. She could smell the fear emanating from every pore.  Her right hand was clutched over the area of her ribs where the knife had entered, smoothly, swiftly without pain. When she removed the hand from her chest, she was surprised to find no blood. With an effort of will, she steadied her pounding heart and exhaled to the end of her lungs.

She knew she had to remember the dream. Her mother had always told her that dreams only come true if you don’t tell them. She must tell this one to prevent it happening, but first she must get it right.

She’s in a train. There’s a man. The man with the face, eyes like black olives, hair dark and slightly frizzy, balding at the temples, shadow of stubble on his chin. In his hand he has a knife. Looking straight into her eyes, he drives the knife into her chest. She knows she shouldn’t try to remove it, but cannot help doing so. It goes in so easily, but she has to tug hard to get it out. She wriggles it about, trying to loosen it. The pain is excruciating, but she perseveres. Finally it comes out with a jerk and she lies gasping for breath as the blood surges out fountaining its way out of her body in huge spurts.

That is the end, but what is the beginning? There is no beginning. Every night it is the same dream, unless she is dreaming that too. Every detail is familiar as it occurs. Each time she says to herself ‘It is happening again’# and she goes through it all again right to the end. The man with the face, the knife, the blood – but she can’t remember the beginning.

Sarah stood on the platform and the tube train came in. She was careful not to get into a compartment with a man onhis own. She heard of knifings and rapes while the train was between stations. She couldn’t understand how it could possibly happen – two minutes between stations, didn’t give much time. Nevertheless she took the same train every day and took the same precautions.

She got into the train at the back – the compartment next to the guard. His face seemed oddly familiar to her, he must be the regular on the line so she smiled at him in case. He smiled back. He had a reassuring kind of smile.

There were five scattered occupants – only one of which looked up as she got in. A young girl in a flimsy voile mini skirt, woollen tights, Doc Martin boots, heavy makeup and a ring through her nose. Sarah regarded her indulgently wondering why such a pretty girl could make such a guy of herself.

The girl got off the train a couple of stops later and smiled at her in a friendly way. Sarah settled back into her place, putting her bag on the seat next to her. She was sorry the colourful girl had left the train. The people who surrounded her were pretty ordinary looking. A business man in a grey suit and slender tie, completely absorbed in the financial Times – he never looked up once, a middle aged couple in anoraks and back packs – obvious tourists with their heads together studying a large map of London – a young man with long hair and jeans who had his eyes kept on his iphone throughout the journey. Nobody to talk to – a shame, she always likes to start a conversation on the way to work – it helped the journey along. However, it took twenty minutes to Finchley Central so she could take short nap. She found it easy to have a quick sleep on the train if there was no body to talk to. The rocking motion helped and she didn’t have to  worry about missing her station because at East Finchley she always woke when the train emerged into the open air.

However, they had just left Camden and were hurtling towards Kentish Town when all of a sudden there was a jerk and a judder and the train s topped. Totally dead. No engine ticking over, no sound at all just a slice of deafening silence. There was no way she could sleep without the comfort of the rocking train. She ventured to glance despairing at her fellow passengers, intending to give them a reassuring grin and a philosophical shrug of the shoulder.

But when she looked up she found that all eyes were upon her. She looked from one to another, her eyes flicking between the faces. There was no reaction, just a cold stare from each of the faces. Her half smile faded and she could feel her own face freeze. What were they all looking at? Subconsciously she put out her had to take the bag that she had place on the seat beside her.

‘Don’t’ the word came like a whiplash from the man in the grey suit

‘Don’t touch it’

She snatched her hand away and began to tremble as the four people rose silently and slowly to their feet and began to advance on her.

Her eyes flashed madly from one to another, but they came on towards her – purposefully, remorselessly. She forced herself to stand, feeling less vulnerable on her feet. She had no idea what she was planning to do, or even if she had a plan of any kind.

She tried to turn towards the door, but the young man with the long hair and ripped jeans was somehow there in front of her. She turned the other way and found the business man was almost there facing her, still with  his eyes upon her. The four passengers  formed a cage around her, there was no way she could get past them.

‘What do you want?’ she gasped.

They made no reply and they seemed to be coming even nearer. Their four heads getting bigger and bigger as they came towards her.

They were almost there, their breath was rising in the air she could see it and smell it. Foul like the smell that came from a vase of dead flowers.

Suddenly the train gave another jerk, the four of them were temporarily thrown off balance and their heads whipped round in the direction of the front of the train.

Seizing her chance, she made a dash towards the adjoining compartment where she knew the guard would be. She saw his shadowy form through the window

‘Thank God’ she sobbed and hammered on the glass.

The four fiends had recovered their balance and advanced again, trapping her against the door. She became of the purple redness in their eyes as they kept them fixed on her face

The Guard’s face appeared at the window. The reassuring smile had gone and at last she knew why his face was familiar. Black eyes like olives, dark hair, slightly frizzy and balding, shadow of stubble on his face.

He thrust the door open, casting her roughly to one side and sending the four villains sliding across the floor of the carriage. She waited behind the door, shaking, as he stood surveying them. They cringed under his basilisk stare. He took out his intercom and made a call.

The train came to with a shudder and started to move slowly on its way to Kentish Town. The guards set Sarah back on her feet and put his arms around her.

‘Don’t worry’ he said ‘it’s all over’

At Kentish Town, the police were waiting to take the gang away. The guard took Sarah into his own compartment at the end of the train. It was empty but for the two of them.

As if he had all the time in the world, he took out the knife from beneath his jacket, and, looking her in the eyes, slid the knife between her ribs into her heart. She fell without a sound. No longer afraid.

alinewaites@hotmail.co.uk

NIGHTMARE

Aline Waites

Sarah woke with a start, fighting for breath, heart thumping. She was over heated, the bed clothes felt damp and heavy. She could smell the fear emanating from every pore.  Her right hand was clutched over the area of her ribs where the knife had entered, smoothly, swiftly without pain. When she removed the hand from her chest, she was surprised to find no blood. With an effort of will, she steadied her pounding heart and exhaled to the end of her lungs.

She knew she had to remember the dream. Her mother had always told her that dreams only come true if you don’t tell them. She must tell this one to prevent it happening, but first she must get it right.

She’s in a train. There’s a man. The man with the face, eyes like black olives, hair dark and slightly frizzy, balding at the temples, shadow of stubble on his chin. In his hand he has a knife. Looking straight into her eyes, he drives the knife into her chest. She knows she shouldn’t try to remove it, but cannot help doing so. It goes in so easily, but she has to tug hard to get it out. She wriggles it about, trying to loosen it. The pain is excruciating, but she perseveres. Finally it comes out with a jerk and she lies gasping for breath as the blood surges out fountaining its way out of her body in huge spurts.

That is the end, but what is the beginning? There is no beginning. Every night it is the same dream, unless she is dreaming that too. Every detail is familiar as it occurs. Each time she says to herself ‘It is happening again’# and she goes through it all again right to the end. The man with the face, the knife, the blood – but she can’t remember the beginning.

Sarah stood on the platform and the tube train came in. She was careful not to get into a compartment with a man onhis own. She heard of knifings and rapes while the train was between stations. She couldn’t understand how it could possibly happen – two minutes between stations, didn’t give much time. Nevertheless she took the same train every day and took the same precautions.

She got into the train at the back – the compartment next to the guard. His face seemed oddly familiar to her, he must be the regular on the line so she smiled at him in case. He smiled back. He had a reassuring kind of smile.

There were five scattered occupants – only one of which looked up as she got in. A young girl in a flimsy voile mini skirt, woollen tights, Doc Martin boots, heavy makeup and a ring through her nose. Sarah regarded her indulgently wondering why such a pretty girl could make such a guy of herself.

The girl got off the train a couple of stops later and smiled at her in a friendly way. Sarah settled back into her place, putting her bag on the seat next to her. She was sorry the colourful girl had left the train. The people who surrounded her were pretty ordinary looking. A business man in a grey suit and slender tie, completely absorbed in the financial Times – he never looked up once, a middle aged couple in anoraks and back packs – obvious tourists with their heads together studying a large map of London – a young man with long hair and jeans who had his eyes kept on his iphone throughout the journey. Nobody to talk to – a shame, she always likes to start a conversation on the way to work – it helped the journey along. However, it took twenty minutes to Finchley Central so she could take short nap. She found it easy to have a quick sleep on the train if there was no body to talk to. The rocking motion helped and she didn’t have to  worry about missing her station because at East Finchley she always woke when the train emerged into the open air.

However, they had just left Camden and were hurtling towards Kentish Town when all of a sudden there was a jerk and a judder and the train s topped. Totally dead. No engine ticking over, no sound at all just a slice of deafening silence. There was no way she could sleep without the comfort of the rocking train. She ventured to glance despairing at her fellow passengers, intending to give them a reassuring grin and a philosophical shrug of the shoulder.

But when she looked up she found that all eyes were upon her. She looked from one to another, her eyes flicking between the faces. There was no reaction, just a cold stare from each of the faces. Her half smile faded and she could feel her own face freeze. What were they all looking at? Subconsciously she put out her had to take the bag that she had place on the seat beside her.

‘Don’t’ the word came like a whiplash from the man in the grey suit

‘Don’t touch it’

She snatched her hand away and began to tremble as the four people rose silently and slowly to their feet and began to advance on her.

Her eyes flashed madly from one to another, but they came on towards her – purposefully, remorselessly. She forced herself to stand, feeling less vulnerable on her feet. She had no idea what she was planning to do, or even if she had a plan of any kind.

She tried to turn towards the door, but the young man with the long hair and ripped jeans was somehow there in front of her. She turned the other way and found the business man was almost there facing her, still with  his eyes upon her. The four passengers  formed a cage around her, there was no way she could get past them.

‘What do you want?’ she gasped.

They made no reply and they seemed to be coming even nearer. Their four heads getting bigger and bigger as they came towards her.

They were almost there, their breath was rising in the air she could see it and smell it. Foul like the smell that came from a vase of dead flowers.

Suddenly the train gave another jerk, the four of them were temporarily thrown off balance and their heads whipped round in the direction of the front of the train.

Seizing her chance, she made a dash towards the adjoining compartment where she knew the guard would be. She saw his shadowy form through the window

‘Thank God’ she sobbed and hammered on the glass.

The four fiends had recovered their balance and advanced again, trapping her against the door. She became of the purple redness in their eyes as they kept them fixed on her face

The Guard’s face appeared at the window. The reassuring smile had gone and at last she knew why his face was familiar. Black eyes like olives, dark hair, slightly frizzy and balding, shadow of stubble on his face.

He thrust the door open, casting her roughly to one side and sending the four villains sliding across the floor of the carriage. She waited behind the door, shaking, as he stood surveying them. They cringed under his basilisk stare. He took out his intercom and made a call.

The train came to with a shudder and started to move slowly on its way to Kentish Town. The guards set Sarah back on her feet and put his arms around her.

‘Don’t worry’ he said ‘it’s all over’

At Kentish Town, the police were waiting to take the gang away. The guard took Sarah into his own compartment at the end of the train. It was empty but for the two of them.

As if he had all the time in the world, he took out the knife from beneath his jacket, and, looking her in the eyes, slid the knife between her ribs into her heart. She fell without a sound. No longer afraid.

alinewaites@hotmail.co.uk

GOOD GRIEF ***** 

By Laurien Haynes, starring Sian Clifford as Cat and Nikesh Patel as Adam. 

A new wave of TV/theatre is created in the middle of the difficulties of the Covid Pandemic. Here we have a combination of TV, theatre and film that is possible to be shown worldwide. The method is not concealed. Between many of the scenes the set of a TV studio is shown. You can see the cameras, ladders, the studio managers moving things around, even the Actor sitting at a table waiting for his cue. 

There are even captions just like in the old days of Silent movies. The language is pretty up to date as you will see. 

 The first set is a party scene represented by a positive tower of PIzza boxes. The two actors are Adam who has just lost Liv, his wife, to cancer and Cat who was Liv’s best friend. 

There are still five guests lying on the floor of the hall, weeping. But Cat has remained behind to help clean up the mess. Cat and Adam are obviously very good friends, they are at home with each other. They were both so intimate with the girl who has gone. They laugh together at the passion of Fiona who has planted lipstick kisses all over Adam’s face. He puts on a silly pink wig. 

Suddenly she shivers, Adam puts a coat around her shoulders. She pushes it aside – it was Liv’s coat and it is the first time emotion is shown by the two friends.  

She tells him of Joanna a recent young widow and suggests they go on a date together. 

“What’s this? AA for dead people” he shouts. He doesn’t want to see or meet anyone. He thanks Cat for providing the party. “Dying costs a lot” 

After she leaves, he talks to himself. Says he will count to thirty and Liv will be walking through the door. 

There is a set change and the two are in their own kitchens. Intimate scenes which have been filmed on Zoom. 

Many of the intimate scenes are done this way. They talk to each other constantly. 

The studio set up comes before every scene in which they are together.  

We cut to a carpark at Ikea. During this period neither of them are fit for public consumption. They argue bitterly. She is angry because he did not send for her to be with her friend when she died. Adam had nursed her to the end, but she sent him on an errand so that she could die without him being there.  

Before she died. she wrote a letter telling him how to save his sense of humour after she had gone. The letter cannot be found. 

The next two scenes are BIT SHIT HOTEL BEDROOM where they discuss sleeping together – they had been lovers briefly before Adam met his wife. They both agree it would be a rotten idea. The following scene is STILL SHITTY HOTEL BEDROOM. 

“We must never do this again” 

She is ashamed and hates herself for it. She cannot talk to anyone or look at herself in the mirror. 

He says “Every time I look at you I think of her” 

Stages of grief. 

Loren Haynes wrote the play because she lost her own best friend. Young and beautiful and loved by everybody Nobody understood how it could possibly happen. That someone could just disappear. The play is structured around the five stages of grief 

Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. 

The play is mercifully unsentimental. The two joke and squabble in the Ikea car park and love one another in the “Shitty Hotel room”.  

It is a great description of the confusing and conflicting emotions that arrive through grief. Emotions that people display in different ways and at different times.  

It is particularly apt at this time of the pandemic when we are experiencing grief more frequently. 

We are all trying to find humour as it is the only antidote to tragedy and here is can be interpreted by the audience 

The sets are constructed simply – for Adam’s removal from his house it is created with boxes and the opening scene the party begins with mountains of empty pizza cases. 

The actors, the creatives and the crew are all drawn from the worlds of stage and screen. A hybrid of entertainment values looking at emotions that we all face at some time in our lives. 

It is a successful and worthwhile piece of Art. Direction is by Natalie Abrahami. 

LIC DOMAIN
BY FRANCESCA FORRESTAL AND JORDAN PAUL CLARKE
At Southwark Playhouse
I watched this on the computer. I do not find this an easy way to see anything, because the levels of concentration are not as they are in a theatre where we have the benefit of the personality of the actors and the people all around us. Here we are at the mercy of telephone calls, delivery men, people just knocking a the door. No actual visitors, but people knock occasionally to make sure I’m still alive.
Anyway, About the play, I watched this afternoon
, I am afraid I do not have the same excitement over it as others have found.
What it does is give us a clue about what people are prepared nowadays to put down in writing. To make a public diary of their lives.

It was written entirely from posts on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram etc, even those written by Mark Zuckerberg, founder and chairman of Facebook the man who put Social Media on the map. We are assured that none of the dialogue was written by the two authors but just adapted by them, who also appeared in the two roles.
Yes, only two people on stage at any time, but there was a lot of technical stuff going on in between the main scenes. It was terrifying in that respect.
The posts wee alarming in several ways. It showed how devastated people are at the moment with covid and the lockdowns. Time is confused by them of course – who wouldn’t be? I remember saying to myself. “I get up at six o’clock with nothing to do and then suddenly it’s four o’clock in the afternoon.”
Time flashes by so quickly – suddenly it becomes Friday again.
Many of the posts are moans about the current situation. People applaud Facebook because it makes them feel less lonely. The actors y sing a song to that effect.”A little less alone”
The two writers/performers are excellent at their various roles as they work on, scene after scene, as the imaginary facebook writers. As teenagers, it is amusing when they give us their instructions on How to be Popular They try to outbid each other as they explain one by one how to get the best friends.
The girl says “Be an influence, stick to the popular crowd, don’t mess with anybody else, you need to make them feel bad.
He said “Be annoying so nobody likes you”
She says” find your niche, add value”,
He says “High school is poison, I should drop out “
She says “be vulnerable, share your weaknesses, show everything but be authentic.”
He says “I don’t want to be irrelevant”.
What they both think is “The future is gonna be better”. How could it be anything else? One hopes.
We go into Zuckerberg land, They take on the characters of Zuckerberg and his wife Priscilla. , and talk about the Privacy scandal,
Can you get hold of private documents – “of course”
Can you share them? – “no I can’t”
Somebody says “I’ve been depressed. Now I am completely better when the sun is shining. I’
ts bad in the winter when it gets dark at four o’clock”
The last surge of interest is about TikTok
Welcome to TikTok wherever you are, we are there too. It’s brighter inside.
He says “I got banned from TikTok “
Most of Facebook etc is covered by the various posts. But I did not find this a completely amusing piece of work. I felt sorry for the people who were quoted. Either because they seemed so pathetic. Or because they were doing it purely for effect.
Some of the sketches were amusing but we cannot take the stories as giving any real journey into the heads of the people – as, even on Facebook, I don’t believe people are completely honest about what they feel. Many of the pathetic entries are cries for help and meant to arouse pity in their readers. People can lie with the keyboards just as well as with their vocal cords.
Maybe this is a new kind of theatre. Humanity and machines closely connected.
I am not ready, old enough or young enough to appreciate this.
I cannot blame the couple for the dialogue, as they didn’t write it, they just adapted what other people have said, and I appreciate the fun they must have had putting it together. I envy them this fun. The hit song is something called Rise and Conquer, sung by Francesca. I believe it could become a hit.

Finally, I feel this review might make the same amount of sense to you as this production did to me.

by aline waites from the sitcom by aline waites and robin hunter

NUMBER THIRTEEN 

BY ALINE WAITES  

From the series MRS PAT  

BY aline waites and robin hunter 

Garth was celebrating his first day of freedom, looking for something to do to pass the time as usefully and as financially rewarding as possible.  He needed another £33 to pay his B and B tonight. It was only eight am and he was getting hungry. He wished he’d had the porridge thoughtfully provided by Her Majesty before he left. 

He had a twenty in his pocket, so he was not destitute. He felt convinced that something would turn up He came out of the tube station and found himself in a busy main street. There was a crossing near by which led across the road to where had espied a jolly looking market. That looked like the kind of  place where he might acquire some 

He stood there at the crossing, but just missed the green light which allowed him to cross, but to his amazement as he arrived on the kerb, the red light unexpectedly changed to green. So he was able to cross along with a small lady in a white raincoat who crossed at the same time. He watched her go into the market and smiled a little as what had happened. She must be a witch” he said to himself. 

. The market was crowded at this early time in the morning. He was happy to see that the crowds were diversified. White and black faces all happily living along together. That was a bonus. He’d had enough of whtie faces in his life. They had been the cause of all his problems.The people were trundling along with their wheelie bags, and he realised there would be no way of getting into those structures and that everything would be carefully hidden. Nobody seemed to have any actual cash, they just waved cards at the stall-holders. He wondered about nicking one of the cards but then realised that the people in this area were all well known and they talked to the stallholders as if they were all members of the same family and as he looked carefully at the shoppers, he was finding it difficult to pinpoint somebody who might be his benefactor. He needed some money to pay for his b and B tonight. Having a been a guest of her majesty for three months and been carefully tended, he was now on his own and he felt a little scared.  

Then all of a sudden he heard an unusual sound.  

It was a female voice suddenly bursting into song. Singing words he had never heard before sung in a completely uninhibited fashion.  

“Caro nome que’il mio core, feste primo palpita”  

He felt drawn to search for the origination of the sound and at last realised it came from that small rotund lady in a white mackintosh. People around her either looked down at the ground, embarrassed to witness this extraordinary happening or looked at her with happy faces, to be rewarded with the sweetest gap-toothed smile. He kept out of sight. He had no wish to be seen. He waited until she had filled her shopping bag.   

Eventually, she handed over the money and proceeded to chat with the stallholder, leaving her shopping bag on the floor beside her.  

As she was so occupied, Garth crept up as if he was going to buy something, then he picked up the handle of the bag intending to escape with the goods. As he did so, she turned to him and smiled delightedly.  

“Oh, how kind you are, to carry my bag for me. Gallantry is not dead” and she laughed and touched him on the shoulder.  

She blew a kiss at the stallholder  

“See, my knight errant,” she said. and she took the young man’s arm,  

“You will carry it back to my house and have a cupper with me, won’t you?”  

Garth nodded. Her charm was irresistible.   

She guided him gently out of the market and into the High Street.  

“It is so good to see you, how is your dear mother?”  

Garth gasped, “She died”  

“Yes of course she did. I am so sorry.”  

They walked on a little while and stopped at the Pelican crossing, ready to cross the road. Pat, took his arm and he felt important.  

As they approached, there was a lorry just approaching, but as soon as the lady stepped on the kerb, the little green man appeared and the lorry stopped. As they crossed, the lady waved to the Lorry driver and cried with a smile.  

“Thank you, you are so kind”  

The lorry driver who had been miffed smiled at the warmth of her smile and waved back.  

After they had safely crossed the road. She unlocked herself from his arm.  

“So what is your name, young gentleman?”  

“Garth” he stuttered. He had not recovered his equilibrium yet. He was feeling he was in some kind of a dream.  

“I am Mrs Pat,” she said. “You are a handsome young man. I look forward to our chat. I am already enjoying your aura.”  

He was suddenly apprehensive. He was not used to being the object of admiration. Was this some strange kind of pick up? Was she a cougar? Was she just loony?  

She read his thought.  

“Don’t worry about me” she laughed “I am enormously safe. You will see.”  

They walked on a little while and there was some painting going on with two men, and a large pot of paint up a ladder that was stretched across the pavement  

Garth took her arm and began to lead her around the outside of the ladder. She laughed.  

“I don’t believe in superstition,” she said and dragged him under the ladder.  

They had just got through without incident when the pot of paint fell from the top of the ladder on to the road. Exactly where they would have been had they paid court to the superstition.  

Garth shuddered slightly, A mixture of relief and apprehension seized him.  

They took a turning to the left and into the street ‘Hymers Court’ was announced on the sign.  

They walked a little way and Mrs Pat stopped outside number 13.  

“Well, here we are,” said Mrs Pat.   

“But who is that?” asked Garth “That cross looking person looking through the window”  

“Oh -dear”’, said Mrs Pat “That’s my next-door neighbour Mrs Prudhomme. She has such a  painful shoulder, poor creature”  

They were about to enter the long garden which led to the front door when there came a cry  

“The End is nigh”  

“Oh that’ll be Jake,” said Mrs Pat. “He usually comes around about this time. ” 

Jake was a thin man in a purple anorak, carrying a big square board.  

“Hello, Mrs Pat” he cried. The woman at the window gave a vicious scowl and disappeared.  

“How’s it going, Jake,” said Mrs P. “Are people responding?”  

“They will learn,” he said and displayed the board he was holding which read in stark letters “The End is Nigh” and on the other side “Prepare to meet they doom” 

“Yes, I daresay we all should get ready for it.”, said Pat, “This is my friend Garth.”  

Jake nodded a greeting and turned to Garth.  

“Prepare to meet thy doom, young man.”  

“Yeah … er… OK.” said Garth.  

And Jake set off waving his board with fervour.  

Mrs Pat watched him go, laughing gently.  

They walked down the crazy-paving path until they arrived at the door. Mrs Pat pushed it open, and after giving a vocal fanfare, she cried to Garth as she ushered him inside.  

“WELCOME TO LIBERTY HALL”  

SCENE TW0, THE WAITING ROOM  

Pat took the young man down the entrance hall of number 13 along to the back of the house where there was a door on the left-hand side marked “WAITING ROOM” and underneath it:- 

“Blackguards and bullies beware”  

It was a large airy room with french doors looking out to the garden It was furnished in a mixture of the antiques and the functional.   

At one end was a trestle table groaning with food and above it a notice that read in large, severe letters  

NO ANIMAL FATS   

And underneath   

“except butter”.  

A handsome middle-aged man in an old and very worn jumper leapt to his feet and kissed the hand of Mrs Pat.  

“This is our resident poet” explained Mrs Pat, ”He is called Charles. This is Garth”  

“ Jolly good,” said Charles, “Nice to have young faces about the place”.  

He offered his seat to Mrs Pat, who refused graciously. He gave her a little bow and settled back on the sofa.  

As he did so a man in a suit sitting net to him suddenly shouted “Bastards”  

“Of course, Frederick dear,” said Mrs Pat. “I’ll get you a cup of tea in a minute or two.”  

Garth was puzzled, but Mrs Pat carried in her round of visitors  

“Mrs Grampian, How are you?  

Mrs Grampian was sitting in a Queen Anne armchair surrounded by plastic bags. She was drinking from a can of Special Brew. Pat said to her “This is my new friend Garth”  

Mrs Grampian turned to Garth and started on what she had decided was going to be a long chat.  

“Hello Garth, come and sit down. My back – you wouldn’t want my back, it feels as if it’s been through a mangle.  Here have a drink”  

And she took a can of Special Brew out of one of the cans and offered it to Garth. He was just about to remove the cap when Mrs P interrupted.  

“Darling Garth remember what the Doctor said. No drinking tween meals. Give Mrs Grampian her tin back please”.  

Garth nodded and returned the can.  

Frederick shouted “Bastard”   

Unnoticed until now, Garth suddenly saw a luridly decorated bottom. Somebody was on the floor grovelling under the sofa looking for something. Mrs Pat had her back to him busily discussing the science of the spines with Mrs Grampian.  

“On your head,” said Mrs Pat, and the man arose.  

“Thanks, Mrs P. My memory’s going. Can’t read the tarot without the jolly old Bins. I’ll forget the names of my hounds next. Hello young man. Don’t suppose you have a tip for the four-thirty at Cheltenham, do you?  

“Of course he doesn’t,” said Mrs Pat and then suddenly turned to Garth “You don’t, do you?  

“I know someone who would know,” said Garth.   

As the Colonel rises, Garth cops sight of the policeman in full PCF uniform sitting behind him. He was barefoot and was rolling a wine bottle under one of his feet.  

Garth turned away quickly to hide his face from the law, just as Drusilla enters followed by a plump middle-aged lady with a beaming smile.  

Drusilla, in her early thirties and dressed in a long green silken dress was so beautiful it made the boy gasp. She turned to look at him with a haughty air  

“And who is this person?” she said  

“His name is Garth and he is going to be a very useful member of our society.  

“He iS?” said Garth and Drusilla together, in surprise.  

Mrs Pat laughed.  

“Oh hello Mrs Monson,” she said to the stout lady person “Feeling better?  

“I’ve been attending to her aura,” said Drusilla.  

“That is good news. A1 now ?”  

“OH yes, much better thankyou”  

“Mrs Monson gave a beatific smile and started fishing her handbag.  

“You don’t have to do that,” said Pat and Drusilla together quickly  

“Oh but I do”. said Mrs Monson and placed two twenty pound notes in the basin on the fireplace.  

Garth’s heartbeat little faster when he saw that basin and he tried to count the amount at was in there. He guessed there could be a goodly sum,  and wondered what would happen to it.  

Charles seemed to clock his uneasiness  

”Poor chap, young Garth is bewildered meeting so many people”, said, Charles  

“Let us not bother him just now. The child is hungry.” she turned to Garth “We’ll get you something to eat in a few minutes,”  

Frederick arose from his corner.”Got to go.” he said.  

“Oh must you, we are having such a nice time.”  

He turned to Garth  

‘” Come round to the House one day and have a drink or two.”  

“You live near here?” asked Garth.  

“Amongst all those rogues and vagabonds living off our money. Purloining the wealth of the Nation.” said the Colonel. 

Frederick nodded.”Bastards” he said.  

“Present Company excepted of course” replied the Colonel.  

“Not even for a cup of Earl Grey?” said Mrs Pat in her most enticing way. 

“Got to go.   Three Line Whip,” said Frederick.  

“Always painful!” said Mrs Pat and everyone laughed even Garth who had no idea what they were talking about.  

Frederick left the building and Drusilla fell into the empty chair, leaving Mrs  Pat to escort Mrs Monson to her car outside. 

Drusilla gave a big sigh “I’m drained” she said. 

“You must be,” said Mrs Pat soothingly. 

Drusilla continued “Bit I must keep my psychic resources together. I’m due at Glastonbury for LAMMAS.” 

Mrs Pat sighed “Yes I envy you. I loved the Summer Solstice when I was young. That strange mystical feeling of oneness with the earth and the universe.  Bloody good Scrumpy too” 

“I have no need of artificial stimulants as you know Mrs P. But I’ll bring you some back” 

“This  is the charming young man who helped me with the shopping” 

Garth gave Drusilla his most charming smile and put out his hand which she somehow managed not to see. She leapt to her feet. 

“Oh! Mrs Walters is in the hipbath. She’ll be like a wrinkled  prune.” 

Mrs Grampian gave a moan. 

Drusilla cried”I’ll be with you soon Mrs Grampian. Just give me a minute.” 

Mrs Grampian gave a twisted smile and said 

“Take your time love, I’m not going nowhere” 

Mrs Pat turned to Garth 

“Its Drusilla’s day for treatments. It takes so much out of her. 

She noticed Garth was not paying attention, His eyes were straying on to the bowl of money. 

“Donations dear for the treatments. We take what we need and the rest goes to charity.” 

She turned to the assembled company. 

“Enjoy the day everybody. Toodle merry. don’t take any wooden nickles” 

Garth was a beginning to accept Pat’s strange choice of words. Hed met people who spoke rhyming slang and parlare whilst in the slammer.  But what Pat said, seemed a lot of nonsense and yet it wasn’t 

 “Come into head office dear and we can have a nice chat,” said Mrs Pat. 

The Den was a sizeable room outside the waiting room.   

“Sit you down”, she said, “We’ll have a nice cup of, dear. The kettle will be boiling.” 

As she spoke there was the sound of a whistling kettle 

“There  you see?” she said 

He looked around Head office, or the Den as it was usually called. He found there was a big desk with a computer on it and shelves packed with big red box files. He realised that this was not just eccentricity but business. a business that didn’t involve money, except for the handouts people gave for treatment. 

Around the room were more shelves bearing some heavy tomes about the Occult interspersed with paperbacks of Jackie Collins and Micky Spillane. Pat disappeared into the kitchenette singing “One fine day” 

Garth continued to peruse the various artefacts spread around the place. Something caught his eye. A silver salt cellar, he picked it up and turned it upside down to see the hallmark. As he was doing so, Pat entered with the tea things. 

“Oh yes, isn’t that pretty?” she said “It belonged to my Aunt Euphemia. Would you like to have it?” 

Garth immediately put it down. 

“YOu can have it if you want it,” she said “Sit sit” 

“I was just looking” They both sat and Mrs Pat poured from a brown teapot into old fashioned cups and saucers. 

“Well young man,” she said “Merry Meet” 

This greeting struck Garth as strange. It was an obvious password for Pat’s colleagues. But it had a very familiar ring to him 

“I think my mother used to say this,” he said 

“Yes dear, she would – to you and your six brothers” 

And she handed him a cup of tea. 

“Do you have milk and sugar?” she asked in a polite voice but she had already put milk and one sugar into the cup. 

“How did you know I had six brothers?” he asked. 

Mrs Pat shrugged 

“Lucky guess. Where are  your parents now?” 

“Oh don’t know. I came home from school one day and found they’d moved” 

It was the first time he had dared to make a joke, but he was glad he did as Mrs Pat enjoyed laughing so much. 

“Mum died,” he said, ” and Dad just – moved on.” 

“She called you Garth. The Knight of the Kitchen. I suppose she got it from Mallory’s  book of Arthurian Legends” 

“No, Cartoon in the Daily Mirror” 

They laughed together again. He realised that he and Pat were becoming real friends. 

“And you are called Mrs Pat – after the famous actress?  Mrs Partick Campbell” 

Pat nodded – impressed that he knew such things. 

“I am pleased to meet you” he added. 

“And I am pleased to meet you. What do you do for a living?” 

This was a difficult question. He paused awhile. 

“I’m temporarily unemployed”, he said and lifted the cup to hide his face. 

Mrs Pt proceeded gently “And what do you do all day?” 

“I dunno, bits of this, bits of that. Walk about, read a lot” 

“You like to read?” 

“Yes, I worked ina library once” 

“How fascinating – where?” 

“Erm… Institution I was connected with – temporarily you understand” 

She looked him in the eye and he was no longer afraid to return her gaze. 

“Where do you live?” she asked at last  

“Well at the moment – temporarily. Of no fixed abode” 

She smiled, the answer seemed to please her. 

“Garth, have you ever had …an Unexplainable experience?” 

This was something he had no wish to discuss. 

“What do you mean?” he asked warily 

“Give me your hand,” she said. 

He held out his hand reluctantly. She took it, studied it for a moment. closed it. 

“Autolycus,” she said. He snatched his hand away. 

“Snapper up of unconsidered trifles?” 

She laughed “YOu do know a lot” 

“Winters tale. I  played him once. We had an actor geezer came to the …Institution” 

“Where you were living…temporarily?” 

“That one” 

Mrs Pat knew what he meant and Garth was aware that she knew. 

They stayed silent for a moment. 

“Biscuit?” she asked “They are digestives. Plain chocolate.” 

“Thankyou” 

“Garth,” she said 

He looked up from his biscuit. 

“you could stay here” 

They looked at each other for a moment. 

“What is this place,” he asked ” A kind o funny Farm?” 

She laughed 

“Well, it has its funny moments. Farm? Well, we sow and we reap. I think you could call it a… 

At this moment, Panic ensued as Drusilla rushed in. 

“What on earth is the matter Drusilla? Is it World War Three?” 

“No its Mrs Walters in the hip bath. she’s wedged. Jammed in” 

Mrs Pat started to laugh. 

“It’s not a joke,” said Drusilla 

“Sorry dear, just getting a mental picture” 

Mrs Pat turned to Garth 

“Mrs Walters is a very large lady” 

“What you need is a lubricating agent.” said Garth.”Bit of oil. pour the oil on the spot Mrs Ws body meets the bath. give her a bit of a wiggle and she’ll slip out. “and he makes a pop with his finger in his cheek “Just like that.” 

Pat laughs even more 

“So funny. Pouring oil on troubled Walters” 

Garth started to laugh with her but realised that Drusilla didn’t find it in the least amusing 

“Let me help,” he said. 

“To the Rescue” cried Mrs Pat and she pointed dramatically to the door They ran up the stairs and Mrs Pat stayed at the bottom, listening and laughing at the dialogue that followed. 

Mrs W screaming “Its a man. Shut your eyes, young man 

Garth. How can I bleedin’ see if I shut my bleedin’ eyes?” 

Pat joined in with the Soldier’s song from Faust. 

After Mrs Walter had been extricated from her embarrassing position. Garth quickly left her presence. 

“Go and finish  your tea,” said Mrs Pat “And help yourself to biscuits 

He did as he was told, and when Mrs Pat arrived back in the den, she noticed that the tray of chocolate biscuits had been demolished. 

“Oh you poor boy,” she said “You must be so hungry 

Let us get  you some protein” 

Go back to the waiting room and I’ll get you a plate of good things.!” 

Charles was sitting in an armchair with a plate of sandwiches on his lap and a bottle of beer on the near table. 

“Come along young fella,” he said.”get yourself a bunch of sarnies. You can have a lager if you like. I’ve got a crate of bottles” 

But Mrs Pat interfered. 

“Just sit down Garth,” she said “and I’ll fix it for you” 

Garth sat down in one of the other easy chairs and Mrs Pat presented him with a pile of sandwiches 

“There’s jelly for afters,” she said “Men loved jelly” 

“Yes we jolly well do,” said Charles “Nice and cool” 

They were just settling down to their lunch when Fererick staggered in. 

“How did it go?” asked Charles 

“Bastards,” said Frederick. 

“I thought as much” replied Charles. He turned to Mrs Grampian. 

“Would you care for something Madam?” 

She shook her head. 

“A cup of tea perhaps” 

“Never touch the stuff,” she said and showed him the can of Special brew 

“As you wish,” he said, resumed his seat and picked up a copy of Country Life from the table nearby. 

Garth was tucking into the sandwiches but looked up as Drusilla arrived. He started to stand, she shook her head at him. 

“Charles, I’m ready for  you now,” she said “Spiritual healing or Aromatherapy?” 

“This lady was before me” he indicated Mrs Grampian. 

“Oh Mrs G I’m so sorry. I forgot about you. What is it today?” 

Grampian rose “Back,” she said. Fells like somebody hammerin’ three-inch nails into it.” 

“Oh dear,” said Drusilla “I wish you could find somewhere nice to  live” 

Gramian shrugged. “All the same to me dear, warm, cold, wet, dry, tell your fortune for a dollar” 

“What about a nice cup of tea?” 

She was rebuffed with one word. 

“garbage” retorted Mrs G/ 

Drusilla turned to Charles “If only we could get her into hydrotherapy.”What’s that? asked Mrs G. “Sounds good” 

“Water mainly,” said Drusilla. 

Ms Grampian humphed. “Never hold with water,” she said, “Fishes shit in it” 

“All right,” said Drusilla. “I’ll give you some heat.” 

“Swollen headed verbose pigs, Loony leftists” shouted Fred 

“He’s had a change of subject,” said Mrs G. she got herself together  

but still clutched her can. 

“Come along,” said Drusilla “you don’t need that can” 

She took the beer away from her and put it on the table. 

“They’ll half-inch it,” said Mrs G looking at Garth. 

“Charles is a gentleman,” she said”He will take care of  your can for you” 

“Humph,” said Mrs G “Don’t you adaman’eve it. These days everyone’s out for what they can get.” 

Frederick agreed 

“Bastards,” he said. 

Mrs G recognised she’d found a twin soul.” 

“You know, don’t you. Things are taking downward Path” 

“Come along,” said  Drusilla” 

Mrs G had found an interest in Frederick 

“That bloke,” she said to Drusilla” What’s he do  for a living?” 

“He’s a Member of Parliament” 

“In that case,” said Mrs Gram; pian as she picked up her can. 

and clutched it to her breast as Drusilla took her into the treatment room. 

 Drusilla took off Mrs Grampion still clutching her can of lager. The was the sound of an aria from Aida and Mrs Pat joins the party in the waiting room 

“Was that the doorbell?” she asks, Charles assures her that it probably is. 

“I’d no idea it was still working, ” said Mrs Pat.and shouts, “Come in come in the door’s open” 

Another knock on the door 

“What’s the matter are you deaf?” cried Mrs P. 

There is another burst of Aida and more knocking. 

Pat went to the door and opened it. 

Charles and Garth listened to the dialogue. Federick mumbled to himself some words of hate. 

They heard Mrs Pat say 

“Hello, my dear. How nice to see you, There is no need to knock you know. This is Liberty Hall. Come along in. 

Mrs Pat joined the others accompanied by the unwilling Mrs Prudhomme. Pat pushed a cat off one of the chairs  

“cup of tea?.” 

Mrs Prudhomme seemed shocked. 

“Not at this time in the afternoon,” she said and she shook her head, not accepting the seat she was being offered.. 

So Charles stood up and indicated his own chair, giving her a polite little bow. 

Mrs Prudhomme was still not satisfied. She looked quickly at the chair  and gave the impression that it could be infected. She turned her attention to Charles and his raggedy jumper which she regarded with great disdain. 

“Thank you,” she said, “i prefer to stand” 

Fredrick shouted Bastards. 

Mrs Pat quickly put a different…. to her speech 

“Oh yes, of course, your poor shoulder. Why not sit on one of the kitchen chairs. So much better for the back” 

Mrs Prudhomme was not pleased about this either. 

“I did not come here to talk about my shoulder” as she mentioned, she got a bad twinge. Mrs Pat looked sympathetic. 

Mrs Prudhomme continued “Is there anywhere we can talk – in private?” 

Mrs Pat laughed “Why in private? We are all friends here. We have nothing to  hide” 

Mrs Prudhomme’s shoulder gave another twinge 

“I would prefer it,” she said 

Okay dokay.” said Mrs Pat, follow me and t=she led the way into the Den. 

As they went off, Feredick had covered his face with the New Statesman and shouted after Mrs Prudhomme. 

“Bloody Tories” 

“Wouldnt be at all surprised ” retorted Charles. 

“I did not come here to talk about my shoulder” as she mentioned, she got a bad twinge. Mrs Pat looked sympathetic. 

Mrs Prudhomme continued “Is there anywhere we can talk – in private?” 

Mrs Pat laughed “Why in private? We are all friends here. We have nothing to  hide” 

Mrs Prudhomme’s shoulder gave another twinge 

“I would prefer it,” she said 

Okay dokay.” said Mrs Pat, follow me and t=she led the way into the Den. 

As they went off, Feredick had covered his face with the New Statesman and shouted after Mrs Prudhomme. 

“Bloody Tories” 

“Wouldnt be at all surprised ” retorted Charles. 

Mrs Pat led Mrs Prudhomme into her treatment room. Mrs Prudhomme looked a little nervous at the couch. 

“Is this your office?” she asked 

“Y0u could call it that”, replied Pat, “but no it isn’t, we call it the Den.. I would just like to look at your shoulder. It must be giving  you such Gip” 

“I’m not here to talk about shoulders” she replied and winced as the shoulder gave her another nudge. 

“Its such a dark shadow,” said Mrs Pat, “I’ve never seen anything so angry. Have you ever thought of orthopaedic shoes?” 

Mrs Prudhommw was briefly nonplussed by this. 

“Pisces people – You often have trouble with the old marrow bones. You need to keep your spine straight. Will you sit down? just for a minute” 

Mrs Prudhomme reluctantly sat and  Pat touched the top of her spine, Mrs Prud winced. Pat closed her eyes and put her hands over Prud’s head. 

“Yes yes,”  she said, Up the knees to the spine and referred to the shoulder. 

Mrs Prudhomme banged on the table “We are not here to discuss my knees or my shoulder. They are just one of the many crosses one has to bear” 

“Oh, yes, how is dear Mr Prudhomme?” 

“He is well thankyou.” Prud was bewildered at the change of subject. 

“I’m pleased to hear it” and Mrs Pat chuckled, at her own joke, thinking “Well somebody has to laugh.” 

Mrs Prudhomme was incensed “What are you laughing at? Will  you kindly sit down where I can see   you.” 

Pat obediently sat down in the opposite chair. 

Prudhomme began her prepared speech. 

“The residents of Hymers Crescent have formed an association which we shall call The Residents of Hymers Crescent Association” 

Pat considered this well named. 

“They have appointed me as their spokesperson. 

Mrs Pat mumbled something 

“What did you say?’ 

“Nothing, just Aries rising.” 

“And we have drawn up a petition which we have all signed” 

Mrs Pat was confused. 

“I didn’t sign it. Hand it over and I’ll affix my moniker’ 

” Just reminded me. I once signed a petition which I thought was in aid of stray pussies, and found out just in time it was to bring back the Cat” and she laughed again. 

Mrs Prudhomme didn’t laugh but continued with her speech. 

“Mrs Bello, It is not for you to sign. The petition is directed against you, your house and your –er people.”  

Mrs Par was amused. “Well I can hardly sign that can I. I mean it would be too silly for words” and she laughed again. 

“Mrs Prudhoomme gave a sigh, “Quite,” she said, “I’m glad you understand.” 

As she spoke, her shoulder gave her another spasm of pain. 

Pat got to her feet. 

“oh dear, If only you’d let me.” 

“Mrs Bello, will you please pay attention. ” 

Pat st down. 

“Okay, I’m sorry. You were saying?” and she put on her listening face. 

Mrs Prud launched off again. “A small example. You may have notices that all the houses in Hymers Crescent are painted olive. 

“Yes. Olive drab.” 

“EXcept yours.” 

“Yes, I prefer violet. It makes people smile and feel happy. Which is what we are all in this world to do.” 

Mrs Prudhomme was not listening 

She carried on with her prepared speech 

“The committee would be most happy if  you were to paint your door olive.” 

“Olive drab” Mrs Pat considered this for a moment. Mrs prudhomme registered pleasure at this. thinking that she had, at last, got through to her. 

Mrs Pat bounced up in her seat 

“I’ve just had a brilliant idea” she cried. 

“Why don’t we paint every door a different colour. Then you could walk down the Crescent and see a wonderful rainbow effect. Rainbows are so good for the soul~”~ 

She started to sing “Red and yellow and pink and green, orange and purple and… 

Mrs Prud interrupted the song. 

“Mrs Bello, we don’t want you to change all the doors. We want you to change yours. Take that idiotic lump of stone in your front garden and the vile twisted tree. 

Mrs Pat thought for a while 

“No that’s impossible,” she said. Drusilla has conversations with them.  

  Why don’t you have a nice concrete birdbath like everyone else 

Pat shook her head. “I don’t think Drusilla would like to talk to them.” 

She shouted “Drusilla” 

“No said, Mrs Prud. Don’t call that foreign girl in here. There’s no point. It would be better if she found somewhere else to go. Among her own people” 

Drusilla poker her head around the door, and wished Mrs Prudhomme Good afternoon. Pat went straight to the point. 

“Could you talk to a birdbath? 

Drusilla shook her head. “Are you quite sure?” Asked Mrs Pat. 

“Quite sure said, Drusilla. Excuse me if I don’t stay, Mrs Prudhomme I’m in the middle of a session”  

Suddenly Drusilla’s face changed as she looked at Mrs Prud. 

” Oh dear, Mrs Prudhomme,”  she said  

“What the matter?” said Mrs Prud. 

“Yes. Drusilla dear. It is bad isn’t it” put in Mrs Pat 

Drusilla addressed Prud 

“You must lead a very stressful life,” she turned to Pat ” We must do something to help her” 

” Mrs Prudhomme, think Tall, think freshness and open-air, think forests. ” 

She turned back to Mrs  P. 

“Is  that all?” she said 

Mrs Pat nodded and stepping out of her chair gave the girl a hug.  

Mrs Prudhomme shuddered and turned her face away. Drusilla nodded politely at Mrs prudhomme and left the room. 

“Well,” said Mrs Prudhomme, “That brings me to point number two.  

I am very worried about  your …er…visitors” 

“Oh yes,” said Pat “so am I. Some of them are very poorly, We do the best we can for them” 

Prud took a sharp intake of breath. 

“I am not discussing their state of health, it is their behaviour. I opened the gate jus now and a weird man jumped out and said “He is Coming” 

“Lucky old him,” said Pat and began to laugh. Seeing Mrs Prudhommes confused expression she added. 

“Sorry, I get a little Rabelaisian around this time in the afternoon. That would be Jake, he is fairly sure about a second coming, though if you want my opinion, I don’t think we are up to it.  What do you think Mrs Prudhomme? 

“Then there is that silly man in the ragged jumper” 

“Charles?” said Mrs Pat in some surprise. 

“And then there is – the rest of them. They are just too much Mrs Bello. The only person in your entire entourage who is Crescent material is the Colonel. 

And right on cue, the Colonel appeared. He was dressed immaculately except for his trousers, which were over his arm. He is in his boxer shorts heavily decorated with red hearts. 

He was not phased by the appearance of Mrs Prudhomme. 

“How do you do Mrs Prudhomme,” he said. “Mrs Pat, have  you see my strides?” 

“Over  your arm” 

“So they are. forget the name of my hounds next. Old Brainbox not what it was. Mrs Prudhomme, Nasty shoulder you’ve got there. Good job there’s Mrs Pat to fix it.” 

The Colonel took his leave. 

“I’m so thrilled,” said Mrs Pat. I put those shorts in his stocking last Christmas. Its the first time I’ve seen them in action. 

“Well, Mrs  Bello,” said the Prudhomme, “I see no reason to prolong this interview. I have a list of the committee’s requirements. If  you would be so good as to peruse them, I shall call again later this afternoon.” 

“Oh  yes, drop in for a cupper and I’ll attend to your shoulder” 

“I have to warn you that if you do not bow to our requirements we shall have no alternative but to take the matter to the courts. 

|Mrs Prudhomme rose from her chair ready to make her distinguished exit, Poor Mra Prudhomme, somehow she couldn’t manage to stand straight. It seemed as if her heel had got stuck between the floorboards. 

Mrs Pat didn’t laugh although the picture was particularly amusing. she just called for Garth “Emergency Garth” 

“Mrs Prudhomme is stuck between the floorboards.” 

Garth took a look at the scene 

“Oh I see, I’ll get my jemmy….no I’ll get something…hang on. 

When Garth went off to find a tool of some kind, Mrs Pat sat Prud back in her chair and stood behind her.#Garth came back with his jemmy. He prized the floorboards apar. Mrs Prudhomme released her foot and rubbed her ankle. Suddenly she felt her shoulder was better. No pain. She looked at Mrs Pat, who smiled, sweetly at her. 

“Ally rightie?” she said.  

Mrs Prudhomme shook her ankle, stretched her back and shoulder. and shrugged her shoulders back and forward. She turned to Garth. She had a feeling she’d met him before. 

Garth hid the jemmy behind his back and turned his face away, so she couldn’t see him. 

“Thank you, Garth,” said Mrs Pat. and he rushed out with the jemmy up his jumper. 

“Well, Mrs Bello,” said Mrs Prudhomme. She picked up her handbag with no pain.., 

She said ” I shall return at about 4.30 to find out what you have decided. Don’t forget to read carefully the …. papers I have given you. If you have any difficulty reading it, I suppose the Colonel could give you some help. Good day Mrs Bellow” 

“Have a nice one,” said Mrs  P. 

“What?” 

“Day,” said Mrs Pat. 

Mrs Prudhomme left the room. Pat sat down in the chair and pondered. 

Mrs Prudhomme left the Den. She tested her shoulder once more and did a small jig when she found her body was working again. Charles watched her and smiled – another Mrs Pat success, he thought. Mrs Prudhomm smiled and shrugged her shoulders. 

Frederick spoke up “Bastards” he shouted. 

Mrs Prudhomme twitched a little at the voice but recovered until Mrs Grampion arrived back on the scene “I feel like a new woman” she said. She took a look at Mrs Prudhomme who was regarding her with horror. Mrs G produces another can from her bag and offered it to Mrs Prud. 

“Hello dearie – want a swig?” she said. 

Mrs Prudhomm shuddered and she de did so, her pain came flooding back. She limped out of the room as angry as she had been when she came in. 

13 waiting room Colonel trusts Garth. 

Garth came into the waiting room, he looked around the room which was empty apart from Frederick who had fallen asleep in his corner and was snoring gently. 

Gart went over to the fireplace and looked into the bowl of money. He put in his hand to grab a note when he was  startled by Frederick who yelled “Bastards” 

Garth turned to face him, putting the note into his pocket as he did so and moving away from the money bowl  He felt he had to say something. 

“Who are these bastards?” 

“They’re all of ’em bastards. 

“all of who?” 

“‘forget it,” said Frederick and sat back in his chair and shut his eyes again. 

Garth turned away from him and put his hand into his breast pocket, looked at the tenner he had taken out of the bowl and put it back into his pocket as the Colonel came in. 

Garth me boy” said the Colonel, “Do me a favour” 

“If I can,” said Garth, “what is it?” 

The Colonel whispered out of the side of his mouth as he showed Garth Twenty pounds he had in his hand. 

“No word to Pat, understand?” 

“Understand” 

“Here’s twenty quid.” and he put the note into the boy’s hand 

Garth was not used to people handing him cash. 

The Colonel proceeded 

“Nip to William Hill, main road, right-hand side. Put twenty quid on Magic Aura, 3.30 Newmarket. Ten to one. Hurry up, man.” 

Garth took the money looking at it in  amazement 

“Supposing I glue it?” he asked 

Colonel lifted his eyebrows, not understanding. 

“Do a runner?” said Garth 

The Colonel gave a short laugh 

“Impossible dear fella. Know an honest face I see one. Never been wrong yet. 

Garth shrugged “Well, it’s your money” 

“Quite.  Can’t get there meself.  Tarot reading in five minutes.  OK?  Savvy?” 

“I savvy,” said Garth. 

The Colonel winked again and touched his nose with his forefinger.”. 

“No need to tell Mrs P” he whispered. “Feel like a flutter? Worth a bob or two, straight from the horse’s mouth.” 

Garth felt a bit awkward. 

“Go on boy, no time to waste.” 

The Colonel hurried upstairs. Garth watched him go. Looked at the twenty quid and put it in his back pocket. He looked around and saw the pack he had left in the corner. He picked it up and started to go.  

Frederick yelled after him 

“Bastards” 

Garth gave him the v sign and left the house. 

 Gath as feeling highly satisfied He now had in his hands the fifty pounds from the Colonel and the other twenty quid he had nicked from the Basin.  

Now he had no worries about where he was going to sleep that night. He could go out and have a good meal and log in to a posh hotel for the night.  

He walked along the high street whistling happily. He had just arrived at the booking shop when he stopped and had a look at the lists of the three-thirty at Cheltenham. He remembered the Colonel and his fifty quid which was going to make his life a little happier. However, he couldn’t help popping inside to see how things were going in the betting shop[. He was feeling a bit dizzy, and he could play the Colonel’s words in his ear. Frankie Detoia stable boy had given him this special horses name. A genius pf a horse but kept a careful secret until this particular race. So he had had fifty a ten to one he could have five hundred which would really set him up for a while. Garth was feeling highly satisfied He now had in his hands the fifty pounds from the Colonel and the other twenty quid he had nicked from the Basin.  

Now he had no worries about where he was going to sleep that night. He could go out and have a good meal and log in to a posh hotel for the night.  

He walked along the high street whistling happily. He had just arrived at the booking shop when he stopped and had a look at the lists of the three-thirty at Cheltenham. He remembered the Colonel and his fifty quid which was going to make his life a little happier. However, he couldn’t help popping inside to see how things were going in the betting shop[. He was feeling a bit dizzy, and he could play the Colonel’s words in his ear. Frankie Detoia stable boy had given him this special horses name. A genius pf a horse but kept a careful secret until this particular race. So he had had fifty a ten to one he could have five hundred which would really set him up for a while. He sat down at one of the seats and picked up on of the tiny pencils. He wrote out the bet and pocketed the pencil- it might come in useful. Actually, it did come in useful straight away ad he remembered the money he had taken out of the basin and he decided to risk that as well. He couldn’t think why he should do this. He was not a betting person as a rule but he had a strange feeling about this particular wager. The orse he saw on the screen seemed very attractive and he felt drawn to it. Also, he liked the colour of the jockey’s clothes. 

He sat there, obsessed with what he saw and felt sure that he had done the right thing. 

13 magic aura 

The Colonel was excited about the outcome of the race. He was convinced that Magic Aura would be the winner. Drusilla, although she was reputed to despise any form of gambling, joined the Colonel in the den at his insistence that they should both watch Magic Aura win the race. 

The commentator was following the race and they were both disappointed to see that it was Distaff heading the race with Abu Kabul, second and Triple Bar third. 

“Where is your horse Colonel” ask Drusilla 

“I can’t see him” 

“Maybe he’s lost” 

The Colonel was beginning to lose faith. 

They are very fast, those three” said Drusilla.”. 

They were approaching the final furlong and Distaff was definitely in charge of the field following closely by Abu Kabul and the third, Triple Bar was approaching on the Stand side. 

The Colonel was about to give up altogether when he suddenly saw his horse coming up on the inside. The Commentator seemed as surprised as everybody else.  “Distaff and Magic Aura now, there is little between them and as they pass the post. Magic Aura is first, Distaff second and Triple Bar finishes third.” 

The Colonel was beside himself with joy. He laughed and danced around the floor, singing The Blue Danube and forcing Drusilla to join with him in  a Viennese waltz  

Drusillas was amazed at the outcome. She knew the Colonel was fond of racing, and often had a tiny bet, but had never known him to win before. 

He should aloud “Five Hundred smackers”. 

“Fifty pounds? Good Gracious Colonel, you must have been feeling lucky to spend that much. You must go and collect your winnings.” 

The Colonel said, “well no I can’t go and collect. I’m in the middle of a reading. Left old Tewsbury shuffling the cards” 

“OOh that’s a shame” 

” Never mind I got the boy to place the best for me. 

Drusilla was immediately suspicious 

“Boy?”, she said, “What boy”  

The colonel replied. “Why Garth”  

Drusillas face showed her horror “Garth” she gasped 

“That’s the guy,” said the Colonel 

“You gave that boy fifty quid?” 

The colonel laughed at such an idea 

“No of course not. I gave it to him to put on the horse. 

“Now just a minute,” said Drusilla “You trusted that boy with fifty pounds?’ 

The Colonel paused in his merriment 

“Well, yes, Nothing wrong with that. He’s a friend of Mrs Pat. 

Drusilla was incensed. “Are you stark raving mad. YOu’ll never see that money again.” 

The Colonels face dopped. 

“What what do you mean?” 

“I know a criminal face when I see one. You’d better forget your fifty quid and your five hundred smackers!” 

“But he has such an honest face” 

“Have you seen a con man with a dishonest face?” 

Mrs Pat came in to see the Colonel in misery and Drusilla in fury 

“What on earth’s the matter with you two. Mr Tewkesbury is just sitting there. shuffling the cards.” 

“Yes. yes, I’ll attend to him”  

And the Colonel left the room. still distressed. Mrs Pat addressed Drusilla. 

“And where’s the dear boy gone? Have you frightened him away? Why was he looking so worried?.” 

“If you mean the Colonel,  he’s an imbecile.” 

“Drusilla what a thing to say. I mean Garth. He seems to have left”  

She noticed the absence of Garth’s luggage in the corner. “Look, he’s taken his pack with him.” 

“Good riddance,” said Drusilla. 

“Poor young chap, he’s had a rough time of it, you know” 

“Oh really?” said Drusilla 

“I can tell by his eyes. But what charm, what a bright spirit” 

“What rubbish,” said Drusilla. 

Pat tried to explain to Drusilla who didn’t want to hear it.  

“Garth has the power, He’s the seventh son.” 

“Did he tell you that?” 

“No, he seems completely unaware of it. I just want to bring out that Power. Oh. I do hope he comes back. I should never have let him getaway.” 

Drusilla took Mrs Pat by the arm and led her to a chair, making her sit down. She was loath to tell her but felt she had to. 

“Mrs Pat dear, you’ve so often been right in the past, but this time. He’s just a common thief” 

Mrs Pat shook her head. “Yes, I realise that. Well, part of it. He’s certainly not common. That intelligence. He could be a real power for good. Oh I hope he comes back” 

“He won’t be back now” 

Mrs Pat was alarmed at the conviction of Du 

Drusillas’ voice. 

“You are so sure?” she said. 

“Do you want to bet?”  

Mrs Pat laughed “YOu know I never bet on anything” 

“I still have faith,” said Mrs Pat. 

The Colonel arrived back from dealing with Mr Tewkesbury. He was still worrying, kept looking at his watch. 

Frederick popped in 

“I’ll be off now. Give my regards to Mrs P. 

“Off to the house?” 

Frederick sighed, “Yes, I think it’ll be an all-nighter. What’s wrong George? You look frazzled” 

“Got a lot on my mind” 

“That young bloke was in the waiting room earlier” 

“Which young bloke?” 

“Chum of Pat’s. Never seen anything like that happening before”. People are honest” 

The Colonel hardly dared to ask. 

“What happened?” 

“Ther little blighter, Nicked some money from the bowl” 

The Colonel groaned and put his head in his hands. 

“Don’t worry old man. There’s plenty more where it came from” 

And Frederick took twenty pounds from his wallet and goes to the waiting room to put it in the bowl TheColonel groans again.  Drusilla returned 

“What time is it Drusilla?” asked the Colonel 

“About five-thirty. I don’t think you’ll ever see those five hundred smackers. Kiss them goodbye.” 

The Colonel whimpered “Such an honest face” 

Mrs Pat arrived back with Charles. 

“Anyone seen Garth?” she asked 

The Colonel Gave yet another groan of agony. 

“We’ll have some tea, Charles, the kettle will be boiling” 

Whistle of kettle 

“There you are!” said Mrs Pat. 

“How do you do that?” asked Charles. 

Mrs Pat looked at him with a quizzical expression on her face. 

Charles explained 

“How do you make the kettle boil?” 

“Don’t be silly. It’s the gas that makes the kettle boil” 

This made Charles more confused than before. 

“The Colonel  is a little worried about a bet he’s made.” 

“Oh dear George, he does do betting. I don’t approve, nor of his drinking. Do you know, he  keeps a bottle or Redeye under his bed.”  

” I was saving it to celebrate” 

Again they heard the aria from Aida. 

“Is that the doorbell?” asked Charles 

“Yes pretty isn’t it. I expect its Mrs Prudhomme. Coming to talk about her proposals Very odd. She wants me to paint the front door olive, get rid of Druseillas stone and put a birdbath in the garden.” 

“Whose idea was that?” 

“The neighbourhood association. They also want me to get rid of the visitors. something to do with making the Crescent a fashionable place to live.” 

“How incredibly foolish” 

The doorbell rang again.  

Charles remarked, “Shouldn’t someone answer the door?” 

Mrs Pat continued with her Prudhomme story. “I’m sure they’ll realise how foolish they are”. 

The doorbell rang again 

“So I said Don’t get up Duchess, I’ve just come in to wash my hands.” 

The doorbell rang again. 

“Drusilla, see who it is my dear.”  

“Oh Mrs Pat,  How did you know about the Redeye?  Was it Second sight old gel?” 

“No hoovering old boy” 

She, Drusilla and Charles laughed. 

The doorbell rang again. This time accompanied by a loud banging. 

Charles went off to answer it and returned accompanied by Mrs Prudhomme. 

Charles present her to Mrs Pat 

“Mrs Pat, this lady says she’d like a word with you. 

“Ah Mrs Prudhomme,” said Pat, “Come along and sit down. Maybe we could indulge in a little cake” 

“Like a shot of ..some kind of beverage perhaps?,” said The Colonel and said to Drusilla “No point in keeping it now” 

Mrs Prudhomme surveyed them all with disapproval. 

“I prefer to stand,” she said. “No thankyou Colonel. Now Mrs Bello, have you read my list of requirements.?” 

“OH yes, ” said Mrs P. “I’ve looked at it very carefully and I’ve drawn up a little list of my own.  First, Jake, the Colonel has spoken to him about his jumping out with his end of the word routine. And he has promised never to jump out again. Just to rely on his signs. Isn’t t that so, Colonel?’ 

“Oh yes, and by the way, he’s pretty sure that tomorrow is the day. Just in case you’d like a little wager on it.” 

Mrs Prudhomme’s face expressed her disgust at the idea. 

Mrs Pat suggested that it might be difficult to collect on the bet if it turned out to be true. 

She returned to the matter in hand 

“Although I think its a shame about the jump. It does enhance the dramatic effect and he enjoys it so much.  Now, you aid something about the ivy being overgrown, I am in agreement.  I have now got a new visitor who I am sure will be delighted to help out with this. A delightful young man called Garth” 

Depression overwhelms the Colonel once again. 

“He can whip it into shape in no time. Now, the visitors we have been cleaning them up. Drusilla brought in Mrs G. 

Drusilla went out of the room, leaving Prudhomme bursting with ire and the Colonel sitting in a chair, face in his hands. Mrs Pat smiled sweetly” 

Drusilla returned shortly with a regenerated Mrs Grampion. Drusilla had dressed her in Sari. combed her hair into two plaits., and tried to contain all her worldly goods in more respectable looking carrier bags (names Harrods etc) 

Mrs Grampaian tried to smile but was obviously pretty embarrassed by the reformation 

“I don’t half feel a narner” she said. 

“May I help you to a glass of Sherry?” asked Mrs P to Mrs Prudhomme, barely containing her mirth at the aspect. 

“Never touch it,” said Mrs G 

“Now,” said Mrs Pat “About the door” 

“That tasteless violet door” 

“That shall remain Violet”, said Mrs Pat firmly 

Mrs Prudhomme shuddered. 

The Colonel recovered enough to help her to a chair. She sat. 

Mrs Pat went into her speech. (mood) 

“When my visitors -as you call them, turn into Hymers Cresent and see my violet door, their spirits rise, a beacon of joy and warmth is extended to them. My violet door, set in a turgid sea of olive drab, puts a spring in their step, hope in their heart, lead in their pencils” 

Mrs Prudham half rose from the chair and made an effort to speak 

“We live in a democracy,” said Mrs P. Let us refer us to the vox populi. The questions before the house. Olive drab or violet. Drusilla?” 

“Violet for the sake of our souls” replied Drusilla 

“Colonel?” 

“Violet, be damned to olive drab” 

Charles? 

“And from his ashes may be made The violet of his native land” 

Mrs Grampian 

“What was the question? 

Mrs Pt laughed “You silly old bat. The door – violet or olive drab?” 

Mrs you can take  your olive fuckin’ drab and stick it…” 

Mrs Pat broke in “I think you can take it Mrs Prudomme that the violets have it.” 

Mrs Prudhomme stood, and her shoulder was twitching badly. 

“I see you intend to be intractable, But the matter will not rest here. This particular part of the borough is owned by the Duke of Hamden. I  have spoken to his agent Mr Burrows on the telephone. He has assured me that if I get no satisfaction from this encounter he will take  up the matter personally with the Duke himself. Then we shall see about  your tasteless violet door” 

Mrs Prudhomme was making her exit when Charles interrupted. 

“Mrs Prodnose,” he said 

She looked at him in her usual dismissive fashion. 

“Prudhomme!!!” she almost shouted and stared again at his ragged jumper. 

“What” she added 

“Perhaps,” said Charles, I can s-s-save you that t-telephone call. I know Mr Burrows quite well. In a matter of w-work, you understand” 

“You are his handyman?” she asked 

Mrs Pat broke into this conversation 

“Mrs Prudhomme, I’d rather you didn’t continue with this inquisition. The outcome could be most embarrassing.” 

Mrs Prudhomme gave one of her snorts 

“Don’t be stupid. Out with it, man.” 

Charles replied in a shy hesitant manner 

“Well,.. the.t.t .ttruth of the matter is.  sort of….   that B-B-Burrows,,, is sort of well,  my handyman…You see…I’m I’m the fella… you know…I’m Hamden.,. Duke. Sorry and all that” 

Mrs Pat was angry “Now see what you’ve done. It’s taken me five years to get rid of that stutter. 

Mrs Prudhomme said “You.. the Durk of Hamden?” and she gave a kind of curtsey. 

“I’m s- s- sorry” stuttered Charles. 

The Colonel gave a laugh, momentarily shaken out of his despair. 

“That’s a turn for the old Rookery Nook” 

Drusilla giggled. 

Mrs Pat sighed “Oh dear” 

Mrs Prudhomme spoke “Well, Your Grace, If indeed you are your Grace. 

Charles ” Y- yes I am.  w-w-orse l-l-luck” 

Mrs Prudhomme gathered herself together. 

“I cannot for the life of me understand why a person of your rank should choose to hobnob with this bunch of lunatics. Haven’t you got another house to go to?” 

“Yes…I go go go to the Lords for a s-s- s- sleep. I c-c-c.come heer for s.s.stimulation” 

Mrs Prudhomme got to her feet. “Stimulation indeed. Very well Mrs Bello.I shall leave things for the moment. But there will be other avenues to explore. As my husband always tells me I am not the sort to take it lying down’. 

And she swung through the door which the Colonel had opened for her. 

“Unfortunate turn of phrase,” remarked Mrs Pat. 

“Didn’t realise he was your landlord Mrs P. So  you never really worried about old Prodose at all?” 

Mrs Pa;t thought about it, she was really worried about Mrs Prudhomme. She worried about her shoulder, but also about the fact that she was indulging in hatred. It made Pat sad to think she could instil hatred in anybody. 

Charles remarked that at least she didn’l have the violet door to worry about. At lease until the sale went through.  

He explained “It’s some big consortium wanted to buy us up. Not sure whats happening at the moment. 

“Well said Mrs Pat, it hasn’t happened yet. When he does we can all have a jolly good worry about it. oh, is that the doorbell again?” 

“I hope it isn’t Mrs Prodnose again” said Charles. 

“I’ll go” 

Charles went to the door and returned with Garth. 

Everyone looks surprised – apart from Mrs Pat. 

“There you are my boy,” she said. 

“Where did you get to? asked Drusilla 

“They were worried about you” said Charles. 

“I dunno” said Garth “I sort bumped my head or something. I feel a bit dizzy. But anyway.” 

Garth took from his pocket a packet of notes  

“Heres your winnings, Colonel,” he said 

“Aha,” The Colonel was happily flabbergasted. “You see Mrs, Pat. I told that horse would win. Look at this five hundred pounds. I won it on Magic Aura” 

Mrs Pat replied “Well that’s lovely my dear. But I can’t take it all, you must keep half of it for yourself. Get the Bowl Drusilla.” 

Drusilla went to the waiting room and brought in the bowl. 

The colonel  peels off some notes and puts them in the bowl 

Garth felt in his pocket again.  

“I had a little flutter too, he said, “Not like the Colonel, I enjoyed being in the betting shop. I had a bit of an accident outside, banged m head on a tree. stupid of me., but I wouldn’t make a habit of it”. 

He takes out another hundred pounds and counts them into the bowl. 

Mrs Pat pats him on the back 

Wat a good boy you are Garth. This calls for a celebration” 

A little libation on the altar of friendship.” 

Shall we drink to MagicAura?” 

Charles was looking suspicious. 

“What was the magic involved Mrs P?” 

Did you make  it happen? 

“Dont be silly Charles, you know very well my talent may not be used for anything like that. Anyway, I was too busy looking after Garth. Poor young man, had no idea what was happening.” 

“How’s your head dear?” 

DAVID BEDELLA AT THE CRAZY COQS WITH STEVE CLARKE ***** 

It was a great pleasure and a privilege to watch David Bedella Livestream from the Crazy Coqs.  

The Coqs is the most elegant and atmospheric venue – a favourite place to spend an evening. It is a sadness that it is not currently in use, but to see Bedella is a joy at any time. David is a handsome man from Indiana with a smile that breaks your heart, his dark complexion is an inheritance from his Mexican heritage. He has a sure way with a lyric and oddly enough, the fact that there is no audience involvement allowed me to concentrate totally on his expert performance. He and his friend and accompanist, Steve Clarke, have put together an unusual array of songs which they perform with love and expertise.  

I had a slight problem getting into the stream because of my password which changed during the lockdown, so I did miss his first few numbers. 

However, I was there to catch Bedella’s tribute to his idol, the late great David Bowie, on his birthday. He told us that Bowie had taught him how to live, how to behave. He loved Bowie’s gender fluidity, his talent for reinventing himself. Bedella did a performance of “Life on Mars” with such clarity and understanding, I am tempted to say better than Bowie himself if that could be possible. I found out things about it the lyrics I had never noticed before. he made it all so clear for me. Certain lilnes resonated. “The girl with the mousy hair – she’d seen the film and loved it ten times or more” and  “Take a look at the lawman beating up the wrong guy”  

Michael Jackson’s “One Day in Your life” was treated in a – silly word – gentlemanly way. A simple torch song sung with emotion and sincerity was moving.  

A remark by Rishi Sunak, our Chancellor of the Exchequer, was happily exposed and sent up by the number from “Sweet Charity” “There’s gotta be something Better than This”. Rishi’s the remark inferred that being a performer was a job requiring no skill and suggested that actors train for something else. In the song, the dancer heroine tries out being a hat check girl and a receptionist. David sings it as it is.  

The songs were perfectly placed on the menu. The song from Mack and Mable had me in tears. “I won’t send roses”  a beautiful song performed by Mack, the anti-hero, is sung by a man who tells the truth and doesn’t make promises. “Forgetting birthdays is guaranteed” The lyric is so sincere and Steve is particularly sympathetic on the piano. There are times when it is good to have a bit of a weep, very unusual for me, but this guy just hits the notes bang in the middle and does the same with the emotion. Every so often, during this really horrible time we are living in, we need to have a good cry. And Bedella is the absolute epitome of heart. The sincerity shines through him and one cannot help but feel his empathy and to cry along with him. How he manages not to cry himself is a miracle. Well, he is a professional  

The conversation between songs was obviously ad-lib in the modern style. After all,  jokes are a waste of time when there is no audience, to appreciate them. It was better to just go on singing. We get scraps of information. Steve met David when he was third trombonist in an orchestra. Davids first show was “Hello Dolly” and he fell in love with Jerry Herman’s music, its scope and his arrangements. He stood in the wings on Broadway for Cage aux Folles and watched Gene Barry sing “Song on the Sand every night. At the age of seventy singing the most beautiful song about being young and in love”  

David had handed Steve a piece of paper with some notes written on and asked Steve to do an arrangement. It turned out to be an inspirational song called “Choose a Star.” Something like ‘the stars have eyes, they see you with all the souls that have gone before, Believe you can fly, the young wings will come to you To carry you to the Winters Sky’  

David’s last song addressed his unseen audience. He sang words like “Don’t worry about me, I’ll remember the lovely time we had, I will never forget you  so don’t worry about me.”  

Then he gave a farewell speech thanking Steve for his magic and Tom and Stella for sound and lighting  

He said “Times are hard, we should stand up and talk about things,This led to his finale – a hymn.  

“Let there be Peace on Earth. ” 

I just want to say how brave he was to do this. To perform without an audience. Five stars.  

CAROLINA RED
BY RAY SHELL
This is an important book. It is almost impossible to review because of the startling amount of content. It is a labour of love by a man who is infatuated by his Country. He takes on the persona of The Almighty to see the stories through His eyes. I quote his intro.

“I AM here. For a brief nanosecond. Nations of the world looked upon you, America, with envy and admiration…now 5 years later they quickly look away fearfully, sighing at the dissolution of your Obaman Hope and thinking ‘…maybe Enoch, was right: NO! WE CAN’T live together, love, help and respect each other…’ which reduces you, My USA, back to being Ugly Americans, resurrecting old, bullet-riddled, ‘Nigga’ bones and ancient, bloody, ‘Ofay’ rituals.”

This novel is a tremendous success in every way with Shell’s immense research into the historical background of Carolina State from the Abolition of Slavery until the modern-day of Donald Trump.
“Why Red? Red for the blood, Red for the Carolina mud, Red for the Native American skin, Red for the Republican state we live in. The American Dream that seems to have changed into the American Nightmare”.

It is probably the only book ever written by God. He looks down at the Sugar Hill, The largest plantation in Nashville, in rich, fertile North Carolina. The place that the Native Americans called The Green Place, saying “You can’t own what doesn’t belong to you”
It is two years since Slavery was abolished but Elijah Beauregard, master of Sugar Hill. Is not ready to free his slaves and pay them for building his plantation.
“I’LL NEVER GIVE THEM UP. I PAID GOOD MONEY FOR THEM BLACKS, THEY BELONG TO ME”
Anybody who argued with him about this was immediately shot and over fifty of his slaves had already been slaughtered for complaining including his most treasured blacksmith who he shot in the face. This was the beginning of the uprising of the slaves and the beginning of Shell’s Ancestry.
The second story in the first part of the book takes us to the world of brown people the native Americans sometimes called the Redskins. The Cherokees had discovered gold in Georgia and when the pale men found out they claimed the gold and drove the Cherokees away sending them on a trek to Oklahoma. it took 21 days, many died on the road, most were affected by the long walk.

The book continues with the lives of the people involved in two families Black white and red. So many names Isaiah Barnes, Pam, Clarke, Estella, Mookie, Lois, Laura, Toot, Malcom, Lana, Suga Lee
There are many long political discussions between the characters featuring Obama, Saunders, Trump and even The Pope. There is a mention of Bambi (Tony Blair) apologising for the war in Iraq. Much of the discussion is centred on Isis. Fox News seems to think that Obama has filled America with Muslims. But the Christians are still expecting Jesus to come and sort things out.
The first hero is a Cherokee born Isaiah Barnes. Kee-mop-hann or ”I bring Greatness”. He survived the white man’s pox and polio and was cured by White man’s medicine. He found that the Pale people were not all wicked, he made friends with them, was adopted by them and learned to speak the language. He is the father figure of the book and we follow his multiracial multi-cultural family through the ages.
Suga Lee runs the whorehouse in Nashville. It is much more than a Brothel. It is a place for relaxation, a pub, a restaurant and a place of entertainment. Some people are shocked by it, but most people go there. The whorehouse is set on fire by a White arsonist and 75 people die in the flames. The villain regrets it. “It was a cool place,” he says, “Wouldn’t be so bad if it was just nigras burnt up, dey was a heap of white folks too.” He resents the fact that he now must go to Starbucks for coffee.
The population of Nashville get around. They go abroad – they marry Englishmen. Clarke, for instance, who is unimpressed by New York. “Compared with the big Apple. London is a city of Modernity with a clean underground complex”, he says. The new Broadway sensation HAMILTON WITH Black folks playing White folks. $10,000 a ticket. “Could only happen in New York.”
There is drama as well as comedy. A shooting in Oregon. The killer is from Isis. He asked if they were Christian before he fired the gun. But The biggest drama concerns Estella and Mookie. Estella has decided to be a Muslim and she and her husband Mookie have gone over to Syria to join up with the Isis. The story, the thoughts and feelings of the Estella and Mookie are closely and completely written and are immensely effective.
They disappear and there is a search party run by a young senator. He is assisted in this by another young lawyer, Jake who is black. They are close friends from Harvard. As they are working on plans to find Estella and Mookie, they return to their old times and there is a beautifully written lyrical sex scene.
God records a bit of conversation but without comment, just a quotation.
Asked if she would again vote Republican Pam replied “There is some white boy gathering round robins from the pubs. I’m glad to be rid of it.”
“Donald Trump? The man is an idiot.”
“He leads the ballot polls”.
“Hitler led polls too. “
The book manages to deal with every aspect of life in the USA and the world. With red blood from Cherokee, the Black and the white man. All blood of the same colour.
This is a tour de force from a man who has attempted to see what the world looks like with the eyes of The Creator.

CAROLINA RED
BY RAY SHELL
This is an important book. It is almost impossible to review because of the startling amount of content. It is a labour of love by a man who is infatuated by his Country. He takes on the persona of The Almighty to see the stories through His eyes. I quote his intro.

“I AM here. For a brief nanosecond. Nations of the world looked upon you, America, with envy and admiration…now 5 years later they quickly look away fearfully, sighing at the dissolution of your Obaman Hope and thinking ‘…maybe Enoch, was right: NO! WE CAN’T live together, love, help and respect each other…’ which reduces you, My USA, back to being Ugly Americans, resurrecting old, bullet-riddled, ‘Nigga’ bones and ancient, bloody, ‘Ofay’ rituals.”

This novel is a tremendous success in every way with Shell’s immense research into the historical background of Carolina State from the Abolition of Slavery until the modern-day of Donald Trump.
“Why Red? Red for the blood, Red for the Carolina mud, Red for the Native American skin, Red for the Republican state we live in. The American Dream that seems to have changed into the American Nightmare”.

It is probably the only book ever written by God. He looks down at the Sugar Hill, The largest plantation in Nashville, in rich, fertile North Carolina. The place that the Native Americans called The Green Place, saying “You can’t own what doesn’t belong to you”
It is two years since Slavery was abolished but Elijah Beauregard, master of Sugar Hill. Is not ready to free his slaves and pay them for building his plantation.
“I’LL NEVER GIVE THEM UP. I PAID GOOD MONEY FOR THEM BLACKS, THEY BELONG TO ME”
Anybody who argued with him about this was immediately shot and over fifty of his slaves had already been slaughtered for complaining including his most treasured blacksmith who he shot in the face. This was the beginning of the uprising of the slaves and the beginning of Shell’s Ancestry.
The second story in the first part of the book takes us to the world of brown people the native Americans sometimes called the Redskins. The Cherokees had discovered gold in Georgia and when the pale men found out they claimed the gold and drove the Cherokees away sending them on a trek to Oklahoma. it took 21 days, many died on the road, most were affected by the long walk.

The book continues with the lives of the people involved in two families Black white and red. So many names Isaiah Barnes, Pam, Clarke, Estella, Mookie, Lois, Laura, Toot, Malcom, Lana, Suga Lee
There are many long political discussions between the characters featuring Obama, Saunders, Trump and even The Pope. There is a mention of Bambi (Tony Blair) apologising for the war in Iraq. Much of the discussion is centred on Isis. Fox News seems to think that Obama has filled America with Muslims. But the Christians are still expecting Jesus to come and sort things out.
The first hero is a Cherokee born Isaiah Barnes. Kee-mop-hann or ”I bring Greatness”. He survived the white man’s pox and polio and was cured by White man’s medicine. He found that the Pale people were not all wicked, he made friends with them, was adopted by them and learned to speak the language. He is the father figure of the book and we follow his multiracial multi-cultural family through the ages.
Suga Lee runs the whorehouse in Nashville. It is much more than a Brothel. It is a place for relaxation, a pub, a restaurant and a place of entertainment. Some people are shocked by it, but most people go there. The whorehouse is set on fire by a White arsonist and 75 people die in the flames. The villain regrets it. “It was a cool place,” he says, “Wouldn’t be so bad if it was just nigras burnt up, dey was a heap of white folks too.” He resents the fact that he now must go to Starbucks for coffee.
The population of Nashville get around. They go abroad – they marry Englishmen. Clarke, for instance, who is unimpressed by New York. “Compared with the big Apple. London is a city of Modernity with a clean underground complex”, he says. The new Broadway sensation HAMILTON WITH Black folks playing White folks. $10,000 a ticket. “Could only happen in New York.”
There is drama as well as comedy. A shooting in Oregon. The killer is from Isis. He asked if they were Christian before he fired the gun. But The biggest drama concerns Estella and Mookie. Estella has decided to be a Muslim and she and her husband Mookie have gone over to Syria to join up with the Isis. The story, the thoughts and feelings of the Estella and Mookie are closely and completely written and are immensely effective.
They disappear and there is a search party run by a young senator. He is assisted in this by another young lawyer, Jake who is black. They are close friends from Harvard. As they are working on plans to find Estella and Mookie, they return to their old times and there is a beautifully written lyrical sex scene.
God records a bit of conversation but without comment, just a quotation.
Asked if she would again vote Republican Pam replied “There is some white boy gathering round robins from the pubs. I’m glad to be rid of it.”
“Donald Trump? The man is an idiot.”
“He leads the ballot polls”.
“Hitler led polls too. “
The book manages to deal with every aspect of life in the USA and the world. With red blood from Cherokee, the Black and the White man. All blood of the same colour.
This is a tour de force from a man who has attempted to see what the world looks like with the eyes of The Creator.